Saturday, February 18, 2012

What Not to Say on a First Date

I had a great first date last night.  I went out for drinks with a cute guy in his early 40's.  We met online and had been emailing back and forth for about a month.  It was the kind of witty banter emails that make you wonder if you're going to have the same connection in person.  Still, even if you do have a personal connection, what happens if the person looks nothing like their pictures.  It's all fun and games until someone is 100 pounds or 5 inches off on their body description.

Getting ready for the date, I tried not to psych myself out but couldn't help getting ridiculously nervous while driving to the restaurant.  However I was in luck when I arrived and found my 5'10" date to actually be standing taller than me (in heels, no less), really cute and decked out like a Banana Republic model.

You'd think I'd be golden once the stars had aligned and delivered the exact replica of what I had envisioned from our emails.  It was a really fun date filled with laughter, a couple drinks, a good night kiss and positive follow up text from him...but looking back at it this morning I wonder if I will ever hear from him again.  Why?  Because for some reason I have become "first date stupid" and manage to blow them all (no, not literally blow them you perv!).  

To keep my dumb mouth shut and my head on straight, I have complied a list of things not to talk about on first dates, EVER.  This reminds me of the sorority rush rule where the 3 B's were off limits for conversation: Booze, Boys and Bank Accounts (yes, it was a Jewish sorority).  I may or may not have talked about some of all of these things last night.  ::hands head in shame::  But I still got a goodnight kiss without him trying to undress me--so ha!

  1. You're holding to Patti Stenger's two drink maximum: This implies not only that you're a drunk slut but that you have a plenty of stupid things to say if you do, in fact, get drunk.  Crazy points if you mention the Millionaire Matchmaker herself.
  2. You're any sort of "masochist": Even if you're using it to describe something good, "I'm an academic masochist" it comes off sounding like you're a freak.  There are a bajillion other words in the English language to describe yourself as "hard working". 
  3. Communication with your exes: Whether you're best friends or he "wants to spit on your grave" this is information that does not need to be disclosed.
  4. Therapy: Self-explanatory.  
  5. Interwebz Friends: This is especially true if you're dating men over 35, unless they're part of some hobby forum of their own that somehow makes The Nest seem normal.  
  6. Write a dating blog: This is all kinds of badness.  Just don't tell them.  
  7. Have encountered a lot of sexual freaks: Way to make the freak across from you feel bad about themselves.  Hey, you never know what you might be in to (wink, wink!)
  8. Made a book of nudie pics for your ex-husband: Actually this one has been well received but talk of nudie pics is probably better left until future dates.
  9. You want to get a dog that can fit into your purse: Regardless of whether you will actually put said pooch in your purse, if you mention you want a tiny canine companion, you will be pigeon-holed into a crazy dog-in-purse lady.  Better than a crazy cat lady, but still bad.
  10. You want to open a dog bakery one day: Men do not understand this.  They either think you're nuts or that you want to chop up puppies and bake them into pies.
Anything else I should add to the list?

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