Thursday, August 30, 2012

So this means he likes me, right?!

You know those people who manage to take something that has nothing to do with them and turn it around to make it about them?  Yeah, well, I'm one of those people.  Well, not really, but in this case I am.

So I went out on a couple dates with a man who I will call Batman.  I call him Batman because he's brooding and mysterious...and he wears a Batman costume around.  Kidding, he looks like Christian Bale.  The real story is that he sent me a picture of himself making a doucheface in which he had a creepy psychotic resemblance to "Patrick Bateman" in American Psycho.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: You look like that guy in American Psycho right before he fed a cat to an ATM.
Batman: You mean, Christian Bale? Batman?
Me: No, I mean you look nuts in the picture, like you might feed a cat to an ATM.  You don't have a cat to you??
Batman: No, no cat.
Me: So yeah, I guess that's Christian Bale then.
Batman: I'll take it.
Christian Bale's doucheface, strikingly similar to the pic that Batman sent me
Yeah, so that's why I call him Batman.  Anyway, Batman and I have had two dates, the second being last Saturday.  We live a good distance apart and so we spend a lot of time text messaging because getting together during the week isn't really feasible.  We usually keep it to the kind of everyday witty text message banter that keeps things interactive with just the right about of "let's not get too close because we've both been through awful divorces and both need therapy to get over our fear of getting hurt".  Example below:

Banter about the questionable reading material I have on my Nook

So you might imagine my surprise when I just a few days after our second date I got a series of serious text messages from Batman.  Apparently when he was going to pick his kids up from their mother's house, his youngest went missing.  He sent me several texts explaining how he was frantic, running around screaming her name, calling the police, thinking she was gone forever, etc.  They even sent out an Amber Alert for his daughter who, thankfully, was playing in a neighbor's basement the entire time.  

I spent a few minutes trying to imagine the terror he must have felt...then a smile grew on my face.  Awful I know, because who smiles when someone tells you their kid just went missing?  But I realized, "This means he likes me, right?!".  I mean, on a night where you thought your child could have been missing or dead or some other parade of horribles, you generally don't text someone about the horrific incident if you don't like them, right?  If I were just some woman he didn't give two farts about, he would have kept it to himself and spent the night cuddling with this daughter.  But no, he texted me instead, both making time for me and opening up about something personal.

After my realization, I sat there laughing at myself.  What kind of person turns this into something about them?  Apparently, me....and then I called up a friend to tell her the funny story about how Batman's missing daughter proves that he likes me. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Dr. Jackass and the Online Dating Application

Several months ago I was browsing on JDate when I got a "flirt" (the JDate equivalent of a "wink") from a 30-year old medical student ("Dr. Jackass"). His profile was witty and he compared himself to different types of candy bars.  Considering my sweet tooth and love of witty banter, I decided to give him a chance.  Having dating both med students and doctors in the past, I was on the look out for the arrogant God-complex that these types can possess.  However, since he was an older medical student (30, instead of the usual 22-26 years of age), I thought that he might have the wherewithal to be a grounded human being.  

I noticed that Dr. Jackass had his email address in one of his pictures and realized that this meant he was too cheap to invest the $40 a month to become an actual member of JDate.  Undeterred, I emailed him to that effect, "
I figured since you flirted with me and gratuitously put your email address in your picture that you're one of those guys who wants to see if there are hot enough girls on JDate to justify $40 for a month subscription.  I guess I took the bait."  He responded and we exchanged a series of emails in which we discussed the perils of online dating.  

We had a "date" set up to talk on the phone and after he flaked, he offered to send me something funny, as a measure of goodwill.  He said it was a dating app that he and his friends and come up with in their spare time.  Curious, I told him to send it over.  I'm not sure what I thought he meant about "dating app" but I certainly wasn't expecting an "Application to Date Dr. Jackass" to pop up on my screen.  Regardless, I read through the application, found it funny but overly exhaustive (and borderline misogynistic) and sent Dr. Jackass a note that stating that he had too much time on his hands (especially for a med student) but that it was entertaining. Dr. Jackass replied only to state, "I was expecting you to answer the app."  Umm, what?!  

Had the application been shorter and less arrogant, it might have been cute, but there was no way I was wasting my time to answer 23 questions for some 30 year old student who had stood me up on a telephone date.  After scoffing at the fact that he expected me to fill out this "application" I emailed him my response:

"Considering the most interesting thing about you is your knowledge of cheap American candy bars and quirky (albeit borderline misogynistic) sense of humor, my answer is: Good luck to you--it's probably for the best that you were too cheap to shell out the $40 for JDate!"

Below is the unedited version of the application Dr. Jackass sent to me:

Your name:

Question 1: Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:
a) high school diploma
b) high school equivalency (GED)
c) associates degree
d) bachelors degree
e) master's degree
g) Ph.D./MD/DMD
h) I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day
I) Jay Truck Driving School
j) what's edumacation?
k) When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"

Question 2: How did you find my profile?
a) Accidentally
b) A friend told me
c) An enemy told me
d) I told you about it
e) I can smell your desperation from here
f) God hates me
g) Blind hogs eventually find acorns

Question 3: Why are you filling out this form?:
a) I want to ask you out. HA!
b) No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
c)I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
d) I'm horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
e) This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
f) It's either this or jail time

Question 4: Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?
a) Because I want to go on a date with you.
b) Do I need a reason? Isn't is axiomatic?
c) I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
d) You seem interesting
e) I think you'd be fun to get drunk with
f) I feel strangely attracted to you
g) RadioI'm one of those people who can't divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
h) I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self

Question 5: What is it that you find most attractive about me?:
a) Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
b) Your cute face and hot body
c) Your constant use of foul, discourteous language
d) The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth
e) You make me laugh
f)  I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up
g) Everything

Question 6: When would you like to go out with me?:
a) Whenever
b) When you are available
c) Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy
d) When your heart stops
e) After I pre-maturely finish my date with this loser
f) As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg
g) After I give my boyfriend a sleeping pilll so I can sneak out
h) How about never? Is never good for you?
i) "This is my sandbox, but I'm not allowed to go in the deep end."

Question 7: How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
a) I'm not very attractive
b) I'm cute
c) I'm cute enough for you, wanker
d) I'm hot
e) If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you'll LOVE me
f)  I'm a New York girl (it means you have a hot body and an ugly face...and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in New York fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in New York. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing.)
g) The kids at school used to call out "Baaaby Ruuth" when I would walk by
h) No, really, I don't think you understand: I am UG-LY
i) "Daddy says I'm 'this close' to living in the yard!"

Question 8: How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
a) I can read enough to answer this
b) I'm average
c) I'm smart enough to get your stupid jokes
d) I'm a freaking genius
e) I see dead people
f) I can bend things with my mind
g) I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
h) "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Question 9: How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
a) I'm about average
b) I'm pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
c) I'm very emotionally stable
d) I am a rock
e) I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
f) The doctor says he can't increase my prescriptions anymore or he'd get in trouble
g) Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
h) Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?
i) They mostly come at night. Mostly
j) "That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things."

Question 10: What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
a) My beautiful eyes
b) My sharp wit
c) My compassionate nature
d) My incredible intelligence
e) My huge breasts
f) I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl
g) My sphincter can break a beer bottle
h) My charming autism
i) My colostomy bag
j) My willingness to use sex to get what I want
k) My perfect landing strip

Question 11: What would you expect me to bring on our date?:
a) Cheap flowers
b) Expensive champagne
c) Your A+ game
d)  I like shiny things
e) A unquenchable libido
f) Astroglide
g) A shoehorn
h)Amniotic dysentery

Question 12: What will I do when I see you?:
a) smile
b) drool
c) start jumping up and down yelling "UH, UH, UH"
d) feign epilepsy
e) vomit uncontrollably
f) run like a track star

Question 13: What will my friends say when they see you?:
a) "Wow, Alex is really lucky. I wish I was him."
b) "Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem--he's getting laid tonight."
c) "She's the hottest thing since nuclear fusion."
d) "Tonight's forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate love making."
e) "My Lord--she smells like the fish market."
f) "I wouldn't call her fat, but he's gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this."
g) "She's just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him."
h) "Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?"
i) "Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake."

Question 14: What should I wear?:
a) Something that says "derelict frat boy," like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat
b) Something that says "I'm a rich, arrogant executive", like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie
c) Something that says "I'm Euro-trash, but at least I look good," like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt
d) Something that says "I ain't got me no money," like a burlap sack
e) Something that says "I've been on Cops," like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater
f) Something that says "ethnic," like a dashiki and a fez
g) Something that says "I really don't care", like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt
h) Something that says "retro Miami Vice," like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit
i) Whatever you have that's clean
j) Surprise me
k) Nothing at all

Question 15: What will we do on our first date?:
a) Go to dinner and a movie
b) Argue, yell and possibly even fight
c) Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk
d) Fuck. What else would we do?
e) None of the above
f) Some strange combination of the above

Question 16: What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:
a) Italian
b) Chinese
c) American
d) Southwestern
e) Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)
f) Light post-coital snack
g) Who needs to eat if liquor is available?

Question 17: What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I'll be drinking):
a) champagne
b) beer
c) liquor
d) wine
e) wine in a box
f) whatever is cheapest
g) whatever we can steal from homeless people
h) whatever we can make in your bathtub
i) I prefer hard drugs, thank you

Question 18: How much does it take to get you drunk?:
a)The smell of alcohol
b) A few beers
c) A few glasses of wine
d) A six-pack
e) I can out drink an Irish Catholic
f) Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.
g) "Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

Question 19: What will we talk about on our date?:
a) Me
b) You
c) Sex
d) Sex in public places
e) The sexual foibles of ex's
f)  What that slut at the next table is wearing
h) How much everyone around us sucks
i) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory
j) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex
k) Flannery O'Connor's use of symbolism
l) Herman Melville's use of metaphor
m) Ron Jeremy's use of irony
n) Lots of different things

Question 20: I should compliment you by saying:
a) "You have incredible eyes."
b) "That is the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."
c) "You are a very cool person."
d) "You're ugly, but you intrigue me."
e) "You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock."
f) "That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes."
g) "Did you fart? You farted, didn't you?"
h) "I'd club a baby seal to get a second date with you."
i) "You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too."

Question 21: Finish this sentence: "I like a man that…
a) respects me."
b) worships me."
c) deifies me."
d) likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."
e) treats me like shit." (be honest…)
f) has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison."
g) is uglier than me."
h) is dumber than me."
i) won't make fun of my club foot."

Question 22: What will we do after the date?
a) Have Mountain Dew and dessert
b) Run out on the bill
c) Go dancing
d) Have a long and meaningful conversation
e) Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table
f) Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle
g) Point out each others shortcomings
h) Groping and pawing each other
i) Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!

Question 23: How will the date end?:
a) Unpleasantly
b) An awkward silence
c) A noncommital hug
d) A sweet, tender kiss
e) Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex
f) Us planning for another date
g) Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put your blog
h) Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my veranda
i) Me calling the cops to get you out of my house
j) One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces

Pencils down  ;)

Would you have completed this asinine application???

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Fucket List

As I've mentioned in this post, I occasionally blog for Singles Warehouse, a UK-based dating website and blog. 

Want to know if you're on the list of men I need to know (in the biblical sense) before I die?  Check out my sex bucket list, aka my Fucket List, here.

Hint: He's on it

Monday, August 6, 2012

28 by 28

So while I was procrastinating researching some important stuff on the internet one day, I came across some of these "30 by 30" check lists that people have going on.  A mini bucket list of sorts, it's a list of things you want to complete by the time you're 30 (if you hadn't figured that out by the title of the list, maybe going back to school should be on yours).  I thought about it and decided that it was too early for me to create a 30 by 30 list.  I have plenty of time, I'm only 25.  Um, what?!

For some reason I've been going around thinking that I'm 25 for 3 years.  Totally true.  It wasn't until the other day that I said to someone, "Well, I'm 27 already" that I realized that I'm not 25.  In fact, I'm not even 27.   Before you start worrying about early onset dementia, realize that I do know my age.  I may not excel at math, but I do know that 2012-1984 = 28.  Yup, I'm 28.  I don't feel it though.  I'm caught in a strange place between having the ass and killer body face of a 25 year old and the life experience of a 35 or 40 year old.

So I've decided to spend some time thinking about what I'd like to do before I turn 30, which I realize is now less than 2 years away.  ::hyperventilates into paper bag::  I used to think that by the time I was 30 I'd be happily married, have at least one child, 2 dogs and a killer legal career.  Since that dream blew up in my face like a meth lab (except for the great career part), I have to make a new list of things to accomplish by the time I'm 30.

I started to write a "30 by 30" list, but everything that came to mind were awesome things that I had already done by the time I was 28.  So in an effort to come up with 30 things to augment my life with within the next 2 years, I will take you on a trip down memory lane with my "28 by 28" list.

28 by 28
  1. Found my music passion--Top 40s were fun for a while, but country music has become a passion of mine.  Judge if you must, but I can't go a day without listening to country.  Haters gonna hate, but you'll never (see #2)
  2. Rocked cowboy boots and hat--I've got 4 pairs of cowboy boots, 2 cowboy hats and I can rock them all.  You have no idea how much fun a cowboy hat can be ;)
  3. Made out with a Grammy winning music artist--I did this while I was in college but it's notable enough to add to the list, especially because he recently won a Grammy in the past several years.  
  4. Lived in a foreign country (Israel)
    1. Started volunteering--I found a passion for something other than country music.  I volunteer for an organization that helps battered women--a cause that has become close to my heart over the past year.
    2. Found a hobby--When life hands you a man who refuses to buy a dining room table, you buy a piece of crap off Craigslist and turn it into gold!  Then you realize you messed up, laugh at the fact that he got it in the divorce settlement, and proceed to perfectly refinish killer furniture for your new condo!
      Kitchen table refinishing
      1. Kicked some ass--I wrap these manicured hands, velcro on my boxing gloves and beat the crap out of a heavy bag.  It's a great stress reliever, keeps me in shape, and gives me confidence that no asshole is going to mess with me!
        1. Expanded my palette--I developed a taste for onions and eggplant.  I still hate tomatoes though.
        2. Became an aunt--Ok that one was none of my doing, but I will take credit for being the coolest Aunt to my nephew.
        3. Took a trip alone--On a whim back in 2007 I went to visit a friend in Norway who I hadn't seen in 7 years.  On another whim in May I went to an American Bar Association conference in Nashville where I knew no one.  Both trips were amazing!
        4. Graduated from college and law school--I put this in here for you, Mom.  Comprehensive Honors in college too!
        5. Passed 3 Bar Exams--This one I'm pretty proud of.  I took and passed New York, Massachusetts and New Jersey ON THE FIRST TRY.  No, I did not waive in to any of them.  I'm a master bar taker.
        6. Became an Israeli citizen--I now have 2 passports and 2 awful passport pictures--booyah!
        7. Started a collection--Matches, because they're classier than lighters. I have tons of candles and matches are much more practical than the miniature pig figurines I collected when I was 8.
        8. Became a scotch drinker--Macallan 12, 18 if you're buying.
          Scotchy, scotch, scotch!

        9. Got a car--Believe it or not, the car I got at 26 was my first car ever.  
        10. Got into a car accident--I crashed my new car a year after I got it.  I'm fine and it's fixed.
        11. Went to an NFL game--I went to my first NFL game last year.  We had Sky Box tickets for a Giants/Jets game because we're cool like that.
        12. Went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
          Perfect seats for the parade
        13. Went to Hawaii--Granted it was my Honeymoon, but my ex's disdain for pictures of us together coupled with the fruity boozy drinks and marathon reading sessions left me with memories (and pictures) of amazing things that I did alone.  I can't complain though, without him, I wouldn't have had all of these great pictures of myself!  
        14. Took a trapeze lesson--I did this for my 25th birthday and it was thrilling!  I've never felt so old as I did at 25 and 2 days when every muscle in my body was throbbing.
        15. Rode a horse on the beach--I did this for my 26th birthday in Israel.  The wind was whipping through my hair, I was one with my horse and we galloped off into the sunset until the tour guide yelled at me in some Hebric (Hebrew/Arabic gibberish that I couldn't decipher) and I had to turn around.  
        16. Rode a camel in the desert--Do you sense a theme with large animals?  I had ridden a camel back in 2000 but in 2010 I took my mom on a 4 hour camel ride in the Negev in Israel.  This time my tour guide was nice enough to let me frolic on my own for a while.
        17. Became a Spinning Instructor--I finally found a job where I get paid to yell at people!  I stopped being an instructor when I injured my lady bits--true story!
          1. Started writing songs--I've become infamous for humorously rewriting the words to songs for special occasions and singing them poorly in front of audiences.  
          2. Partied with Guidos down the Jersey Shore--Learned how to fist pump too.
          3. Re-pierced my navel--At 19 I decided I was too cool to have a belly button ring anymore.  At 27 I decided I wanted it again.  I'm still rocking it.
          4. Started a blog--I had one years ago but it pales in comparison to this one.
          Now I have to start thinking about what I'm going to do before I turn 30.  Any ideas for me?