I noticed that Dr. Jackass had his email address in one of his pictures and realized that this meant he was too cheap to invest the $40 a month to become an actual member of JDate. Undeterred, I emailed him to that effect, "I figured since you flirted with me and gratuitously put your email address in your picture that you're one of those guys who wants to see if there are hot enough girls on JDate to justify $40 for a month subscription. I guess I took the bait." He responded and we exchanged a series of emails in which we discussed the perils of online dating.
We had a "date" set up to talk on the phone and after he flaked, he offered to send me something funny, as a measure of goodwill. He said it was a dating app that he and his friends and come up with in their spare time. Curious, I told him to send it over. I'm not sure what I thought he meant about "dating app" but I certainly wasn't expecting an "Application to Date Dr. Jackass" to pop up on my screen. Regardless, I read through the application, found it funny but overly exhaustive (and borderline misogynistic) and sent Dr. Jackass a note that stating that he had too much time on his hands (especially for a med student) but that it was entertaining. Dr. Jackass replied only to state, "I was expecting you to answer the app." Umm, what?!
Had the application been shorter and less arrogant, it might have been cute, but there was no way I was wasting my time to answer 23 questions for some 30 year old student who had stood me up on a telephone date. After scoffing at the fact that he expected me to fill out this "application" I emailed him my response:
"Considering the most interesting thing about you is your knowledge of cheap American candy bars and quirky (albeit borderline misogynistic) sense of humor, my answer is: Good luck to you--it's probably for the best that you were too cheap to shell out the $40 for JDate!"
Below is the unedited version of the application Dr. Jackass sent to me:
APPLICATION TO DATE DR. JACKASS
Question 1: Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:
a) high school diploma
b) high school equivalency (GED)
c) associates degree
d) bachelors degree
e) master's degree
h) I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day
I) Jay Truck Driving School
j) what's edumacation?
k) When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"
Question 2: How did you find my profile?
b) A friend told me
c) An enemy told me
d) I told you about it
e) I can smell your desperation from here
f) God hates me
g) Blind hogs eventually find acorns
Question 3: Why are you filling out this form?:
a) I want to ask you out. HA!
b) No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
c)I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
d) I'm horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
e) This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
f) It's either this or jail time
Question 4: Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?
a) Because I want to go on a date with you.
b) Do I need a reason? Isn't is axiomatic?
c) I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
d) You seem interesting
e) I think you'd be fun to get drunk with
f) I feel strangely attracted to you
g) RadioI'm one of those people who can't divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
h) I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
Question 5: What is it that you find most attractive about me?:
a) Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
b) Your cute face and hot body
c) Your constant use of foul, discourteous language
d) The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth
e) You make me laugh
f) I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up
Question 6: When would you like to go out with me?:
b) When you are available
c) Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy
d) When your heart stops
e) After I pre-maturely finish my date with this loser
f) As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg
g) After I give my boyfriend a sleeping pilll so I can sneak out
h) How about never? Is never good for you?
i) "This is my sandbox, but I'm not allowed to go in the deep end."
Question 7: How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
a) I'm not very attractive
b) I'm cute
c) I'm cute enough for you, wanker
d) I'm hot
e) If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you'll LOVE me
f) I'm a New York girl (it means you have a hot body and an ugly face...and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in New York fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in New York. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing.)
g) The kids at school used to call out "Baaaby Ruuth" when I would walk by
h) No, really, I don't think you understand: I am UG-LY
i) "Daddy says I'm 'this close' to living in the yard!"
Question 8: How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
a) I can read enough to answer this
b) I'm average
c) I'm smart enough to get your stupid jokes
d) I'm a freaking genius
e) I see dead people
f) I can bend things with my mind
g) I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
h) "Me fail English? That's unpossible."
Question 9: How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
a) I'm about average
b) I'm pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
c) I'm very emotionally stable
d) I am a rock
e) I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
f) The doctor says he can't increase my prescriptions anymore or he'd get in trouble
g) Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
h) Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?
i) They mostly come at night. Mostly
j) "That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things."
Question 10: What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
a) My beautiful eyes
b) My sharp wit
c) My compassionate nature
d) My incredible intelligence
e) My huge breasts
f) I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl
g) My sphincter can break a beer bottle
h) My charming autism
i) My colostomy bag
j) My willingness to use sex to get what I want
k) My perfect landing strip
Question 11: What would you expect me to bring on our date?:
a) Cheap flowers
b) Expensive champagne
c) Your A+ game
d) I like shiny things
e) A unquenchable libido
g) A shoehorn
Question 12: What will I do when I see you?:
c) start jumping up and down yelling "UH, UH, UH"
d) feign epilepsy
e) vomit uncontrollably
f) run like a track star
Question 13: What will my friends say when they see you?:
a) "Wow, Alex is really lucky. I wish I was him."
b) "Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem--he's getting laid tonight."
c) "She's the hottest thing since nuclear fusion."
d) "Tonight's forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate love making."
e) "My Lord--she smells like the fish market."
f) "I wouldn't call her fat, but he's gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this."
g) "She's just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him."
h) "Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?"
i) "Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake."
Question 14: What should I wear?:
a) Something that says "derelict frat boy," like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat
b) Something that says "I'm a rich, arrogant executive", like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie
c) Something that says "I'm Euro-trash, but at least I look good," like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt
d) Something that says "I ain't got me no money," like a burlap sack
e) Something that says "I've been on Cops," like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater
f) Something that says "ethnic," like a dashiki and a fez
g) Something that says "I really don't care", like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt
h) Something that says "retro Miami Vice," like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit
i) Whatever you have that's clean
j) Surprise me
k) Nothing at all
Question 15: What will we do on our first date?:
a) Go to dinner and a movie
b) Argue, yell and possibly even fight
c) Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk
d) Fuck. What else would we do?
e) None of the above
f) Some strange combination of the above
Question 16: What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:
e) Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)
f) Light post-coital snack
g) Who needs to eat if liquor is available?
Question 17: What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I'll be drinking):
e) wine in a box
f) whatever is cheapest
g) whatever we can steal from homeless people
h) whatever we can make in your bathtub
i) I prefer hard drugs, thank you
Question 18: How much does it take to get you drunk?:
a)The smell of alcohol
b) A few beers
c) A few glasses of wine
d) A six-pack
e) I can out drink an Irish Catholic
f) Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.
g) "Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."
Question 19: What will we talk about on our date?:
d) Sex in public places
e) The sexual foibles of ex's
f) What that slut at the next table is wearing
h) How much everyone around us sucks
i) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory
j) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex
k) Flannery O'Connor's use of symbolism
l) Herman Melville's use of metaphor
m) Ron Jeremy's use of irony
n) Lots of different things
Question 20: I should compliment you by saying:
a) "You have incredible eyes."
b) "That is the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."
c) "You are a very cool person."
d) "You're ugly, but you intrigue me."
e) "You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock."
f) "That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes."
g) "Did you fart? You farted, didn't you?"
h) "I'd club a baby seal to get a second date with you."
i) "You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too."
Question 21: Finish this sentence: "I like a man that…
a) respects me."
b) worships me."
c) deifies me."
d) likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."
e) treats me like shit." (be honest…)
f) has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison."
g) is uglier than me."
h) is dumber than me."
i) won't make fun of my club foot."
Question 22: What will we do after the date?
a) Have Mountain Dew and dessert
b) Run out on the bill
c) Go dancing
d) Have a long and meaningful conversation
e) Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table
f) Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle
g) Point out each others shortcomings
h) Groping and pawing each other
i) Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!
Question 23: How will the date end?:
b) An awkward silence
c) A noncommital hug
d) A sweet, tender kiss
e) Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex
f) Us planning for another date
g) Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put your blog
h) Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my veranda
i) Me calling the cops to get you out of my house
j) One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces
Pencils down ;)
Would you have completed this asinine application???
Would you have completed this asinine application???