Monday, April 16, 2012

The Man Who Wore Sweatpants

I've been slacking on the blogging lately.  There was a point where I was going out every night of the week but let's face it, dating can be, when you find someone you sort of like, it's frowned upon to keep seeing other people (more on that in another post).  So, I curbed the whole going-out-on-countless-random-dates-from-Plenty-of-Freaks thing as of late.  I did manage to squeeze a couple dates in a few weeks ago that I never mentioned because they were so underwhelming that I didn't think to write about them until now.    

Remember Date #2, the Billy Baldwin look-alike from the night that I went out with two men?  You can refresh your recollection here.  Well, he asked me out on a second date and we agreed to meet for drinks on a Thursday night last month.  I wore my go-to outfit of jeans, a cute top, open front cardigan and heels.  It's the perfect outfit.  Cute but casual and doesn't look like I'm trying too hard.  Plus, cleavage can be added for effect and covered up with the cardigan if you feel too exposed.  I figured Date #2 would be wearing the male version of this outfit, i.e. jeans, a button down shirt or polo and casual dress shoes.  Ehh, wrong.  

I texted Date #2 from the car to ask if he was already at the restaurant, as there's nothing more uncomfortable to me than walking into an unfamiliar restaurant trying to determine if your date is in the building.  He texted back that he was seated by the bar and already had a drink.  I strode up to find him halfway through a Jack and Ginger wearing a track suit and sneakers.  I'm sorry, what?  Yes, you read that right.  He was wearing sweats.  

Call me conformist, but I believe there's a certain "uniform" that is proscribed through dating.  Unless you're doing some activity that necessitates different clothing, including but not limited to hiking; biking; fishing; shooting; going to the beach or having crazy sex, I expect you to dress like a civilized human being.  If not because you want to impress your potential partner, than because you have more self respect than to be unpresentable in public.  My date was wearing track pants, a t-shirt, a non-matching zip up jacket and sneakers.  I'm thankful that at least he wasn't wearing a matching tracksuit, as that attire is only acceptable for guidos and old Jewish men in Boca, but he was wearing a tracksuit nevertheless.  
He looked a bit like this guy, but with cooler shoes
Date #2 hugged me and told me I looked cute (obviously, dude, I'm not wearing sweatpants).  I told him he looked, "Umm, comfy," and he sheepishly explained that he had come straight from the gym.  Awesome.  So not only did you not shower after your workout, but you didn't have the decency to change your clothes either.  Nice one.  I would understand if he worked far from home or his office, but no, the dude works in the same building where his gym is which is in walking distance to his house!  Seriously?!  Not to mention that he wasn't the least bit sweaty of smelly which makes me question his gym-ethic in addition to his sense of decency.

Not to be a bitch, but I came to the date straight from volunteering where I helped snot-dripping children decorate with markers and glitter and I still managed to wash up and change into a pair of heels in my car.  The fact that this guy went from his office to the gym, drove past his house to get to the restaurant and couldn't throw on a pair of jeans floored me.  It's not like he arrived late either.  He was early.  If you recall, he had already consumed half of a Jack and Ginger before I arrived.  At least I know where his priorities are.  

The date went as well as a date involving sweatpants could go if there's no prospect of an elastic waistband coming in handy for some easy access.  He was nice enough but there was just no chemistry...and he was wearing freaking sweatpants!  

Monday, April 9, 2012

Dating Games (Part III): Game Over

You may recall that my friend Greta and I are playing a dating game.  I wrote about how we picked out dates for each other here and how we contacted our potential dates here.  

The Dating Games, as Greta and I have played them, have come to an end.  What we originally thought would be a fun idea turned out to be a bust...well, at least in my case.  I emailed and heard back from 2 out of the 3 men who Greta picked for me.  


SarcasticDude (who I wrote about here) turned out to be a douche before we even met.  It so happens that he's selfish as well.  After telling him never to contact me again, I got a text message from him the other day asking if I knew any tax attorneys.  Seriously, dude?!  You badger me for a full body picture, making it clear that you're entirely superficial (never mind that you're not even that cute) and then have the audacity to ask me for a professional reference?!  Apparently, "I wouldn't have asked you if it wasn't an emergency" is a way of downplaying that he disrespected my wishes never to hear from him again.  To top it off, his follow up email on Plenty of Fish a few days later that made me wonder if I have a potential stalker on my hands.  

Try as I did, BeachDude was just not dateable.  His one line emails and "lols" were enough to discount him.  After my date with Chief, I learned that if I have to pull teeth over text or email, there's a good chance it's going to be like that in person.  To top it off, he never so much as asked me to get together for a drink...not that his 8pm-4am work schedule would have allowed for us to meet anyway.  The emails with BeachDude tapered off and I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks.

Lesson Learned
While we thought it sounded like a fun idea at the game, having someone pick potential dates for me worked out worse than picking a date for myself.  Ironically, Greta did pick JD for me, but I had disqualified him because we had already gone out.  Considering I just had my 3rd (post second chance) date with him and things are going well, maybe the Dating Games aren't over after all...

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Seriously?! Pictures That Shouldn't Be Used in a Dating Profile

After a few months of online dating, I've seen more than my share of dating profiles.  My emotions have run the gambit from being offended to entertained to horrified.  My list of things that I don't want to see on a profile is long.  Below is a condensed version...partially so that I don't come off as a picky betch but also because I like to list things in tens. 

Photos I don't want to see on your dating profile:
  1. Your guns (weapons)--I can appreciate guns.  I will even go to a shooting range with you (once I determine that you're not some psycho who's going to kill me).  Heck, the fact that you have a gun is a good sign you're normal (ironic I know, but you can't get license for a gun if you have a criminal record), but I don't want to see pictures of you with an automatic weapon in hand. 
  2. Your guns (muscles)--I'm glad you work out.  If your muscles are so impressive that you have to show them off, then I should be able to see them in pictures of you wearing normal clothes.  If they're not impressive enough to see under clothes, why are you showing them off?
  3. Alcohol--One picture out at a bar holding a beer is acceptable, but please have have a decent picture without a drink in your hand.  If you're kissing a bottle of booze in one of your pictures, you've got issues.  If you're kissing a bottle of booze in a liquor store, I will only repond so that I can provide you with some social resources for your alcoholism (see Social Resources tab above for links).
  4. Outdated pictures--I don't care how great your senior high school portrait was or how hot you looked in that college football uniform.  If your pictures are more than a few years old or you live for those quarterback glory days, move along.
  5. Professional photos--Even if the photoshoot you posted wasn't for the purposes of an online dating profile, I'm going to think it was...and I'm going to wonder what kind of person you are.  The exception stands with models (why are you online dating anyway?) and young professionals (like lawyers) who use their law firm profile photo...but still, do you not have any other decent pictures?  Along these lines is posting pictures wearing the same outfit--If you're wearing the same clothes in every picture on your profile, move along.  It's obvious you had one "hot" day and made a friend take pictures of you in a few different settings for effect.
  6. Offensive things you think are funny--While you may think that your Halloween picture dressed as a Sheik slitting the throat of an Rabbi is funny, I can assure you that it's not.  There are ways to show your sense of humor without offending people...and if you can't then you're just an ass.
  7. Action shots--I'm glad you play golf, football and hike, but pictures of you as a tiny speck on a mountain or your contorted and/or blurry body playing sport don't impress me.  Hunting pictures (common in the Southern states) are a no-no for me too.  I like men who hunt. I think it's sexy. But I don't want to see you posing with a dead 8-point buck.
  8. Selfies, mirror shots, and web cam photos--There's a whole website dedicated to the mirror shots (here) so I won't even touch those.  Please, leave your house, meet up with a friend and have them take some pictures of you...just don't wear the same outfit in each one (mentioned in Number 5 on this list) or be participating in some sport where I can't see your face (Number 7 on this list).
  9. Exes and/or rings and/or kids--We all have exes, some of us were even married.  I don't care how tan or hot you looked at the time, no one wants a pic of you on your honeymoon with your wedding band on and your ex cropped out.  If you're a single dad, I'm sure you love your kids, but you're not doing yourself any favors by posting their cute pictures on your dating profile.  I have strong feelings on personal privacy and you're violating them.  Pimping out your offspring for a date does not highlight your parenting skills.
  10. Pictures of objects--No pictures of cars, houses, boats or pets. None of these things show me who you are, unless you're materialistic or look like your dog.  A man who recently emailed me had a screen shot photo of a MyPeriod app--apparently he ovulated on February 24th...and March 2nd.  Fertile guy.

    Actual screen shot from his POF profile

Monday, April 2, 2012

Second Chances

I recently got an email on Plenty of Fish from JD, the attorney who got drunk on our first date and tried to get me naked.  He asked me for a second chance.  Usually I don't give second chances to men who have tipped the douche-o-meter scales, but JD happened to email me on a good night...and after a nice glass of wine.  While my first inclination was to send him a "Who do you think you are?!" email, I thought back to our date (read it here) and remembered that before we had imbibed that 11% devil beer, things were going well.  In fact, just an hour before I drove home in a fit of rage, I had texted my friend to tell her what a great night I was having.

I admitted to myself that he wasn't fully to blame for the things that occurred that night.  I had drank more than I should have on a first date and, as much as it might have seemed to be one sided in my post, I was a willing participant of the corner table make out session.  Judge me, I don't care, you know you've done it before too.

Anyone who knows me (or has read this blog) has likely gotten the correct impression that I have an offbeat and borderline inappropriate sense of humor.  My post about Steak and BJ day might give you an indication that my sense of humor is at risk of being misunderstood by men as forward advances for sex.  Add alcohol into the equation and it can be a recipe for disaster.

JD was cute and witty and the fact that he came back with his err, tail, between his legs showed a lot about his character too.  I decided to give him a second chance...but not before messing around and asking how he intended to redeem himself.  After some witty banter in which he promised to keep a 2 foot radius between us; make me smile; laugh and keep to a 2 drink maximum, we made plans to meet at a local bar on Saturday night.

When I got there I was instantly relieved that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  He was cuter than I had remembered, his arms looked sexy in the shirt he was wearing and, most importantly, he didn't look once at the ample cleavage I had intentionally displayed.

We had a great rapport.  It was the kind of knowing conversation that you can only get after you've both acted like drunk idiots and talked about the mistakes you've made.  He admitted he was too embarrassed to contact me after our first date, I admitted that I had drank too much on our first date and we laughed at the fact that our make out session gave the Russian pimp at the table next to us a semi.

We stayed long enough to have a great time while sticking to our 2 drink limit. With our first date redeemed by the second, JD walked me to my car, joked about giving me a handshake, like the gentleman he promised to be, then gave me a sweet goodnight kiss.  This was a second chance that was well deserved!