Thunder Thighs

Months ago I posted here about why I don't date men in their 20's.  Cliffs Notes: They're immature and I can't be bothered.  However, being the first person to admit that I break my own rules, I recently went out with a 28 year old from Plenty of Fish, who for the purposes of this post, I will call "28".  I decided to give him a shot because he was a nice homeowner with a great job and seemed to have his act together.  That was a mistake.

I should have realized that 28 and I weren't going to be a good fit when he jokingly called his hands his "paws" on our first date.  He said that although they weren't very large, they were rough like paws, hence the moniker.  They were quite calloused, sure, but I didn't think that he was so serious about his physique.

Aside from the comments about his hands, 28 had a penchant for making ridiculously cheesy jokes.  Although I can appreciate someone being their own brand of weird and expressing themselves, I just about died on our third (and final) date when he burst into a round of "gun" jokes that referenced his arm muscles, which, weren't even that big.

28: "Do you have a BandAid?"
Me: "Let me check, why, what's wrong?"
28: "Because I'm cut" ::flexes arm muscles

28: "Do you have any tape?"
Me: "Umm, no, why?"
28: "Because I'm ripped!" ::flexes muscles again::

Almost as big of a douche as Ryan Lochte

As though arm muscle jokes weren't bad enough, he topped off our third date by (jokingly?) calling me Thunder Thighs.  I don't care how close you are to a woman, but the words Thunder Thighs should never, ever ever ever EVER be uttered in their presence.  For some reason he seemed unaware of that fact that this was an insult and got annoyed that I took offense to his comment.  When I told him that his comment upset me, I complained that I was "ruining the day".  The last man who told me I ruined the day with my (justified) feelings is twice-divorced (only once by me) and still eating cereal for dinner every night.

Dating 28 wasn't a total loss though.  In addition to the Home Depot coupon for 10% off a $200 purchase that he brought me for the light fixture I've been eyeing, I ended the weekend with two kick ass jack o'lanterns, a huge batch of apple crisp and roasted pumpkin seeds from our apple and pumpkin picking date yesterday.

28 might have been a douchebag, but Thunder Thighs came out on top!

Why Do I Attract Stalkers?

DJ has quickly become another one of my stalkers.  One of the men who just lacks the ability to let go. For some reason, I seem to attract nut cases.  At first I worried that "like attracts like," "birds of a feather flock together," and the other sayings that would mean that I'm crazy as well, but I'm chocking it up to bad taste in men and a great time in bed (ha, I'm kidding!  The first nut case barely even got into my pants!).  Really, it's because I continue to engage these men after they've gone off the deep end.  I need to ignore them better.  Regardless, it makes for some funny stories.

Cry Baby
My first stalker was an old high school boyfriend, Cry Baby.  In the summer after 10th grade I went away for a month on a trip to Israel and Europe.  I came back with a new perspective on life, a desire to date Jewish boys and promptly dumped him.  Cry Baby's teenaged heart was crushed and (since it was back in the pre-cell phone days) he would incessantly call my parent's house in an effort to get me to back.  He told me he wanted to hurt me and made some terroristic threats on the country where I had just visited.  One day, Cry Baby called my parents house and my brother, who is 8 years older than me and at 5'8" was significantly larger than my pint-sized former paramour, picked up the phone.  Cry Baby was crying (hence the nickname)and begged my brother (through snot rockets and hiccups) to let him speak to me.  I picked up the phone at the same time I heard my brother boom, "Stop crying you f*cking pussy!  You think I'm going to let you speak to my sister after the pathetic crap you just spewed out?!  If you bother her again, I will kill you, do you understand?!"  Have I mentioned how awesome my brother is?

ESPN
I didn't deal with another stalker until years later.  ESPN was the man I dated immediately before I met my ex-husband, who, as you might guess, worked at ESPN.  I had broken up with him but he was determined to win me back.  He spent a month calling and texting me, emailing my friends to ask them to talk to me and even told me he would have proposed if he had had a ring.  It got so bad that a law school friend who used to work for the FBI, offered to get me a gun for protection.  Thankfully, I was living over an hour away and didn't feel the need for a firearm.   ESPN finally stopped harassing me when I got engaged to my ex-husband, a mere 3 and a half months after our breakup (I know, I know...)

Ex-Husband
My ex-husband was another one who just couldn't let go.  This likely had more to do with the fact that I sprung our divorce on him like it was a surprise trip to Disney World than anything.  That, and the fact that we were married and had vowed to spend our lives together, he presumably loved me very much.  But since actions speak louder than words, we'll go with the surprise factor for the reason he couldn't let go.  I won't divulge too much (you know, because I'm nice and/or because I've blocked out the entire messy divorce process from my memory) but he actually had the nerve to ask my parents (in the courthouse, immediately before our divorce hearing) if they could get me to reconsider my decision.  Dude, let it go.

Teacher
Teacher was someone I dated for a few weeks in October.  He was a single dad of 2 daughters and a high school English teacher. I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious, as I was just starting to date after my divorce.  I'm very into baking and arts and crafts and had given him some good ideas about things to do with his girls.  I told him that I was baking a cake in the shape of a turkey for Thanksgiving because my nephew loves it (I'm not going to lie, I do too, it's a freaking awesome cake mould!).  Then he tells me how excited he was that we would be spending Thanksgiving together--me, him and his kids.  Umm, WTF?!  I quickly ended things after I realized that he wanted an instant wife, step mom and mother (for himself) all in one.  He freaked out and sent me the most grammatically correct scathing emails that I was overwhelmingly impressed and scared at the same time.  I ended up filtering his emails, threatening a restraining order and commenting that a restraining order might affect both his teaching job and his custody situation.  He emailed me a few months after to apologize and ask to grab some coffee.  Umm, no.


BR
I wrote about BR here and here and a few other places that I'm too lazy to link to.  He begged for a second chance and I gave it to him even though I wasn't really feeling a connection.  Fast forward and I realized he was relationship stupid and I was attracted enough to him to fix it.  He didn't go off the deep end, per se, but he wrote me email novellas as to why we would be good together, how he could change, how my feelings weren't justified, etc.  He finally stopped when I ignored enough of these emails and deleted him off Facebook.  Just last month though, he sent me a Facebook message congratulating me on the Bar Exam and making a comment on how we should get back together.  No thanks.


DJ
I worried that DJ would also go off the deep end, as he seem unsatisfied with how I broke things off.  He seemed like a very even keeled man though so I sent him a final email explaining some things I hadn't previously mentioned and how they were non-negotiable for me.  I stated that this would be the last of the discussion and wished him luck.  Surprisingly, it was not the end of the discussion for him.

He told me that he respected my decisions but wanted to argue his way and change my mind.  Umm, WTF?!  That's no where near respecting my decision.  I continued to ignore his emails and text messages and hoped it would go away...until yesterday.  I was out with friends when I received a call from a florist.  My heart sank.  I knew that DJ had sent me flowers.  For a man who claims to have paid attention to me, he must have zoned out on the conversation in which I told him, "I do NOT like flowers.  They shed and die and smell.  I especially dislike roses.  I think they're an overpriced waste of money.  Please never get me flowers."  Of course, he got me flowers, lots of them, with roses.  The arrangement was topped with a pleading note and about a zillion "xoxo's" before his name.

"One drink is all I ask :) xoxoxo :insert name here:"

That wasn't the end of it though.  A few hours after the call from the florist, DJ called, asking about the flowers.  I sent the call to voicemail and I thanked him via text. I told him there was nothing to discuss and wished him luck.  He called again and was sent to voicemail.  Dude, get the message already!  

He then proceeded to berate me via text message and email about how I'm a terrible evil person and how he at least deserves an explanation as to why we can't live happily ever after together.  "I at least deserve to sit down with you for a drink," he texted.  My response, "The only thing you deserve at this point is a padded room and a restraining order.  Leave me alone!"

The Man Who Wore Sweatpants

I've been slacking on the blogging lately.  There was a point where I was going out every night of the week but let's face it, dating can be exhausting...plus, when you find someone you sort of like, it's frowned upon to keep seeing other people (more on that in another post).  So, I curbed the whole going-out-on-countless-random-dates-from-Plenty-of-Freaks thing as of late.  I did manage to squeeze a couple dates in a few weeks ago that I never mentioned because they were so underwhelming that I didn't think to write about them until now.    

Remember Date #2, the Billy Baldwin look-alike from the night that I went out with two men?  You can refresh your recollection here.  Well, he asked me out on a second date and we agreed to meet for drinks on a Thursday night last month.  I wore my go-to outfit of jeans, a cute top, open front cardigan and heels.  It's the perfect outfit.  Cute but casual and doesn't look like I'm trying too hard.  Plus, cleavage can be added for effect and covered up with the cardigan if you feel too exposed.  I figured Date #2 would be wearing the male version of this outfit, i.e. jeans, a button down shirt or polo and casual dress shoes.  Ehh, wrong.  

I texted Date #2 from the car to ask if he was already at the restaurant, as there's nothing more uncomfortable to me than walking into an unfamiliar restaurant trying to determine if your date is in the building.  He texted back that he was seated by the bar and already had a drink.  I strode up to find him halfway through a Jack and Ginger wearing a track suit and sneakers.  I'm sorry, what?  Yes, you read that right.  He was wearing sweats.  

Call me conformist, but I believe there's a certain "uniform" that is proscribed through dating.  Unless you're doing some activity that necessitates different clothing, including but not limited to hiking; biking; fishing; shooting; going to the beach or having crazy sex, I expect you to dress like a civilized human being.  If not because you want to impress your potential partner, than because you have more self respect than to be unpresentable in public.  My date was wearing track pants, a t-shirt, a non-matching zip up jacket and sneakers.  I'm thankful that at least he wasn't wearing a matching tracksuit, as that attire is only acceptable for guidos and old Jewish men in Boca, but he was wearing a tracksuit nevertheless.  

He looked a bit like this guy, but with cooler shoes
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Date #2 hugged me and told me I looked cute (obviously, dude, I'm not wearing sweatpants).  I told him he looked, "Umm, comfy," and he sheepishly explained that he had come straight from the gym.  Awesome.  So not only did you not shower after your workout, but you didn't have the decency to change your clothes either.  Nice one.  I would understand if he worked far from home or his office, but no, the dude works in the same building where his gym is which is in walking distance to his house!  Seriously?!  Not to mention that he wasn't the least bit sweaty of smelly which makes me question his gym-ethic in addition to his sense of decency.

Not to be a bitch, but I came to the date straight from volunteering where I helped snot-dripping children decorate with markers and glitter and I still managed to wash up and change into a pair of heels in my car.  The fact that this guy went from his office to the gym, drove past his house to get to the restaurant and couldn't throw on a pair of jeans floored me.  It's not like he arrived late either.  He was early.  If you recall, he had already consumed half of a Jack and Ginger before I arrived.  At least I know where his priorities are.  

The date went as well as a date involving sweatpants could go if there's no prospect of an elastic waistband coming in handy for some easy access.  He was nice enough but there was just no chemistry...and he was wearing freaking sweatpants!  

Dating Games (Part III): Game Over

You may recall that my friend Greta and I are playing a dating game.  I wrote about how we picked out dates for each other here and how we contacted our potential dates here.  


The Dating Games, as Greta and I have played them, have come to an end.  What we originally thought would be a fun idea turned out to be a bust...well, at least in my case.  I emailed and heard back from 2 out of the 3 men who Greta picked for me.  

[via]

SarcasticDude
SarcasticDude (who I wrote about here) turned out to be a douche before we even met.  It so happens that he's selfish as well.  After telling him never to contact me again, I got a text message from him the other day asking if I knew any tax attorneys.  Seriously, dude?!  You badger me for a full body picture, making it clear that you're entirely superficial (never mind that you're not even that cute) and then have the audacity to ask me for a professional reference?!  Apparently, "I wouldn't have asked you if it wasn't an emergency" is a way of downplaying that he disrespected my wishes never to hear from him again.  To top it off, his follow up email on Plenty of Fish a few days later that made me wonder if I have a potential stalker on my hands.  


BeachDude
Try as I did, BeachDude was just not dateable.  His one line emails and "lols" were enough to discount him.  After my date with Chief, I learned that if I have to pull teeth over text or email, there's a good chance it's going to be like that in person.  To top it off, he never so much as asked me to get together for a drink...not that his 8pm-4am work schedule would have allowed for us to meet anyway.  The emails with BeachDude tapered off and I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks.


Lesson Learned
While we thought it sounded like a fun idea at the game, having someone pick potential dates for me worked out worse than picking a date for myself.  Ironically, Greta did pick JD for me, but I had disqualified him because we had already gone out.  Considering I just had my 3rd (post second chance) date with him and things are going well, maybe the Dating Games aren't over after all...

Seriously?! Pictures That Shouldn't Be Used in a Dating Profile

After a few months of online dating, I've seen more than my share of dating profiles.  My emotions have run the gambit from being offended to entertained to horrified.  My list of things that I don't want to see on a profile is long.  Below is a condensed version...partially so that I don't come off as a picky betch but also because I like to list things in tens. 

Photos I don't want to see on your dating profile:

1. Your guns (weapons)--I can appreciate guns.  I will even go to a shooting range with you (once I determine that you're not some psycho who's going to kill me).  Heck, the fact that you have a gun is a good sign you're normal (ironic I know, but you can't get license for a gun if you have a criminal record), but I don't want to see pictures of you with an automatic weapon in hand. 
2. Your guns (muscles)--I'm glad you work out.  If your muscles are so impressive that you have to show them off, then I should be able to see them in pictures of you wearing normal clothes.  If they're not impressive enough to see under clothes, why are you showing them off?
3. Alcohol--One picture out at a bar holding a beer is acceptable, but please have have a decent picture without a drink in your hand.  If you're kissing a bottle of booze in one of your pictures, you've got issues.  If you're kissing a bottle of booze in a liquor store, I will only repond so that I can provide you with some social resources for your alcoholism (see Social Resources tab above for links).
4. Outdated pictures--I don't care how great your senior high school portrait was or how hot you looked in that college football uniform.  If your pictures are more than a few years old or you live for those quarterback glory days, move along.
5. Professional photos--Even if the photoshoot you posted wasn't for the purposes of an online dating profile, I'm going to think it was...and I'm going to wonder what kind of person you are.  The exception stands with models (why are you online dating anyway?) and young professionals (like lawyers) who use their law firm profile photo...but still, do you not have any other decent pictures?  Along these lines is posting pictures wearing the same outfit--If you're wearing the same clothes in every picture on your profile, move along.  It's obvious you had one "hot" day and made a friend take pictures of you in a few different settings for effect.
6. Offensive things you think are funny--While you may think that your Halloween picture dressed as a Sheik slitting the throat of an Rabbi is funny, I can assure you that it's not.  There are ways to show your sense of humor without offending people...and if you can't then you're just an ass.
7. Action shots--I'm glad you play golf, football and hike, but pictures of you as a tiny speck on a mountain or your contorted and/or blurry body playing sport don't impress me.  Hunting pictures (common in the Southern states) are a no-no for me too.  I like men who hunt. I think it's sexy. But I don't want to see you posing with a dead 8-point buck.
8. Selfies, mirror shots, and web cam photos--There's a whole website dedicated to the mirror shots (here) so I won't even touch those.  Please, leave your house, meet up with a friend and have them take some pictures of you...just don't wear the same outfit in each one (mentioned in Number 5 on this list) or be participating in some sport where I can't see your face (Number 7 on this list).
9. Exes and/or rings and/or kids--We all have exes, some of us were even married.  I don't care how tan or hot you looked at the time, no one wants a pic of you on your honeymoon with your wedding band on and your ex cropped out.  If you're a single dad, I'm sure you love your kids, but you're not doing yourself any favors by posting their cute pictures on your dating profile.  I have strong feelings on personal privacy and you're violating them.  Pimping out your offspring for a date does not highlight your parenting skills.
10. Pictures of objects--No pictures of cars, houses, boats or pets. None of these things show me who you are, unless you're materialistic or look like your dog.  A man who recently emailed me had a screen shot photo of a MyPeriod app--apparently he ovulated on February 24th...and March 2nd.  Fertile guy.
    
    

    

    Actual screen shot from his POF profile

Second Chances

I recently got an email on Plenty of Fish from JD, the attorney who got drunk on our first date and tried to get me naked.  He asked me for a second chance.  Usually I don't give second chances to men who have tipped the douche-o-meter scales, but JD happened to email me on a good night...and after a nice glass of wine.  While my first inclination was to send him a "Who do you think you are?!" email, I thought back to our date (read it here) and remembered that before we had imbibed that 11% devil beer, things were going well.  In fact, just an hour before I drove home in a fit of rage, I had texted my friend to tell her what a great night I was having.

I admitted to myself that he wasn't fully to blame for the things that occurred that night.  I had drank more than I should have on a first date and, as much as it might have seemed to be one sided in my post, I was a willing participant of the corner table make out session.  Judge me, I don't care, you know you've done it before too.

Anyone who knows me (or has read this blog) has likely gotten the correct impression that I have an offbeat and borderline inappropriate sense of humor.  My post about Steak and BJ day might give you an indication that my sense of humor is at risk of being misunderstood by men as forward advances for sex.  Add alcohol into the equation and it can be a recipe for disaster.

JD was cute and witty and the fact that he came back with his err, tail, between his legs showed a lot about his character too.  I decided to give him a second chance...but not before messing around and asking how he intended to redeem himself.  After some witty banter in which he promised to keep a 2 foot radius between us; make me smile; laugh and keep to a 2 drink maximum, we made plans to meet at a local bar on Saturday night.

When I got there I was instantly relieved that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  He was cuter than I had remembered, his arms looked sexy in the shirt he was wearing and, most importantly, he didn't look once at the ample cleavage I had intentionally displayed.

We had a great rapport.  It was the kind of knowing conversation that you can only get after you've both acted like drunk idiots and talked about the mistakes you've made.  He admitted he was too embarrassed to contact me after our first date, I admitted that I had drank too much on our first date and we laughed at the fact that our make out session gave the Russian pimp at the table next to us a semi.

We stayed long enough to have a great time while sticking to our 2 drink limit. With our first date redeemed by the second, JD walked me to my car, joked about giving me a handshake, like the gentleman he promised to be, then gave me a sweet goodnight kiss.  This was a second chance that was well deserved!

"Double or Nothing": How to Date Two People in One Night

Since my time is valuable and I'm always up for a challenge, I decided to do something last night I hadn't done in a while--I went two dates in one night.  If you can swing it, this can be a good thing to try.  It's an efficient way of getting two first dates out of the way and if you don't click with either, you've only lost one night instead of two.

This wasn't the first time I've had a "Double or Nothing" date.  Over the summer, I met up for a morning hike and lunch with one man and then met another for afternoon drinks the same day.  It was easy enough to do on a weekend because there was plenty of time--I scheduled one date from 10am to 2pm and another at 3pm.

Last night proved to be a challenge because I had to work until 5:30pm.  I knew fitting two dates into the night was going to be difficult so I planned to meet one for drinks at 6pm and one for dinner at 8pm.  There was some very strategic planning involved, so if you're interested in doubling up, here are some tips.

Tips for "Double or Nothing": Dating Two People in One Night

1. Pick two dates (one you like, one you're not so sure about)-- "Double or Nothing" works best if you are curious about meeting someone but not curious enough to waste an entire night on them.  Pick one date you like or think you'll like more (Date #2) and one you're just willing to give a shot (Date #1).  If your gut instincts are right, you'll be ready to leave Date #1 by your deadline.
2. Stagger the dates-- You need enough time to get to know each other.  An hour and a half should suffice for the first--especially if you're not super interested in them.  Make sure to compensate for traveling time.   I planned my dates 2 hours apart, giving me over an hour and a half for Date #1 and enough time to travel to Date #2.
3. Location--For Date #1, pick a location that is near, but not too close, to Date #2--something in the middle of your point of origin and your second destination is perfect.  A place that is en route to Date #2 is good because it cuts down on driving time.  Since you're not sure if you're that into him anyway, pick a place you at least know you'll like.  I picked a place I had been to on a previous date--it has a ton of beer on tap so it's an instant hit with men.  It was between my office (where I was coming from) and the location of Date #2.
4. Excuse--Come up with an "out" so that you can leave on time.  Bring this up at the beginning of the date.  Don't lie, just keep it vague.  "I volunteer at a place nearby so I've got to leave at 7:30" worked for me.  It was the truth (I never said I was leaving to actually go volunteer; I just let him think I was), it gives you an end time and the subject is quickly changed to asking about the excuse.  "Oh cool, where do you volunteer?"
5. Deadline--Pick and stick to your deadline.  If you go over, you'll be screwed for Date #2.  About 10 minutes before you have to leave, mention that you need to leave soon.  This gives you a chance to get the bill settled, go to the bathroom and leaves time for an awkward goodbye.  

Results
Date #1 went as anticipated.  I had met him on Plenty of Fish, he seemed nice enough, offered to learn who Jason Aldean and Luke Bryan are and was pretty cute in pictures.  Our emails weren't anything to brag about so I figured he would be a good candidate for Date #1.   Right away I told him that I had a deadline to leave and he took the bait and started asking me about volunteering.

Conversation flowed but there wasn't any real spark.  He was also much cuter in pictures than in person.  I thought there might be some potential when he told me he drove a truck for work (you know how I love pickup trucks), but then I noticed that he was wearing one of those thick silicone bracelets (below) with the word "Groovy" written on it.  I have a feeling there was a story behind it but I wasn't up for giving him any positive reinforcement for wearing it and didn't ask.

[via]

Date #2 went better than Date #1, which was also anticipated.  I had met Date #2 at a bar last Friday night.  I was there for an intramural kickball event and he was there at a young professional event.  He was a tall, well-dressed, Billy Baldwin look alike and came up to make conversation while I was at a table with friends--bonus points for having the balls to come up to me in a group!  We engaged in some Yankees vs. Red Sox (go Sox!) banter and I gave him my number before he left.  

I met Date #2 for sushi in the town where I'm moving this summer.   I was looking forward to seeing him so when I got to the restaurant and he was no where to be found, I got a bit worried.  I quickly picked up my phone and called to ask him where he was.  Apparently he was peeing in the bathroom. Not exactly the way I imagined a man would be holding himself while thinking of me, but I'll take it.  He was soon out and after making sure he washed his hands, we had a great sushi dinner.  He even asked me out for a second date after I knocked a glass of water onto him.  

I'm exhausted this morning but happy that the "Double or Nothing" date worked!

"Thou Art More Lovely": Dating with Shakespeare

One of the funniest things about online dating is that you will invariably get professions of love thrown your way.  Sometimes they're annoying but most of the time they're just entertaining.  These emails can even make you feel good...if you're the kind of person who lies to yourself and believes that these are genuine emails and not a copy and paste from some bad modernized Shakespeare inspired sonnet that might have been better received if written in iambic pentameter.

Here are two emails from a user whose name suggests he might be the kind of man who has a dog and covers parts of his body in peanut butter late at night.

Lonely in Queens: It would be an honor and a privilege to get to know you better, and perhaps even take you out...your beauty knows no bounds and is beyond compare...please contact me ASAP. I will be waiting anxiously by my computer for your first sweet message, and I will forever cherish the moment at which I receive it and the day I receive you in my arms.
Me: Thanks for your message but I don't think we'd be a good match. Best of luck.


I figured he would move along...but he sent another email a week later.


Lonely in Queens: A lovely lady of your exceptional calibre surely receives countless messages everyday. They are probably so numerous that you likely don't have enough time to open them all, let alone respond to the ones you actually enjoyed reading. Despite this, and the strong likelihood that you will never respond to this, I felt compelled to write to you anyway. I simply had to. Your profile, what you had to say along with your gorgeous pictures really caught my eye. I believe that if we were to meet, sparks would fly and the earth would shake. Planets would become realigned and flowers would bloom. There is something indescribable, something intangible about you that has attracted me very strongly. Hopefully you will be able to wade through the morass of mediocrity in your inbox from insincere players and find this letter, and then like me enough to respond. With any luck we can meet soon and I can romance you all over our great city. If this were to happen I would be the luckiest man on earth. At the very least I hope you enjoyed reading this.


Putting aside the cheesiness, it is a very nice email, but still a no go.  Considering that my profile is 2 sentences about how I value honesty and a zest of life, the fact that he thinks we'd be a good match based on what I wrote is highly unlikely.  Just tell me you think I'm pretty, also value honesty and would like to meet for a drink, dude.  Also, the fact that I don't live in "our great city" (NYC) shows that while he might do a good job wooing, his reading comprehension is lacking.


I did enjoy reading this, Mr. Lonely.  I think my readers have too!

Dating Games (Part II)

As I mentioned in this post, my friend Greta and I are playing a dating game.  At this point we have each nominated 3 men for the other to contact in hopes of securing a date.  


I spent some time last week writing emails to my potential suitors from Plenty of Fish who Greta picked out for me.  I have nicknamed the men NJman, BeachDude and SarcasticDude.  Here are the results thus far.

NJman
I emailed NJman but never heard back, despite the fact that he has logged onto the website.  He was a little too old for me (yes, that's possible) so I wasn't offended that his 45 year old self didn't want to take a chance on a cute 27 year old blonde.  Ha, who am I kidding.  Seriously NJman?!  Did you think I was some spammer looking for a Sugar Daddy?  I'm not after your money old man, I had legitimate selfish blogging interests at heart when I emailed you.  Looks like this one is out.

BeachDude
BeachDude and I sent some emails back and forth but his hectic work schedule (he's in law enforcement) makes it difficult to keep in touch.  So far, his emails are boring.  Perhaps if he posted a picture in uniform I would be more interested.

SarcasticDude
SarcasticDude and I sent some good emails back and forth before he asked to take it offline.  Since my time is precious, I agreed, hoping we could meet up next week so that I can meet one of the 3 super cute guys who emailed me after I started this Dating Game for the next installment of this blog.

Even though I have a GoogleVoice number to give out at bars now (thanks Greta for this awesome tip), I still haven't figured out how it works and gave SarcasticDude my real telephone number.  Thankfully, Verizon has an awesome free blocking feature in case things get out of hand. The texts started off normal but didnt take long for him to progress to asking for pictures.  Since I only have two pictures on my profile and one is of me in a furry hat, I'm not terribly put off by someone asking for more and I sent him a couple recent shots--selfies of mostly my face and torso.

I guess that wasn't good enough because SarcasticDude kept asking for full body pictures.  Apparently it's an internet phenomenon to post pics of faces only and then show up with an additional 300 pounds from your neck down.  While I understand that attraction is part of dating, I find it ridiculous that men are so insistent on asking for full body shots, especially since they rarely offer them themselves (with the exception of creepy shirtless mirror pics).

At this point I made the decision that someone who was pushing so hard for additional pics was a person I wouldn't get along with.  After marrying someone who told me his biggest fear was that I would, "let myself go" and then yelled at me when I packed on the newlywed nine (true story) I don't give second chances to people who are jerks about weight.  If you can't love me for who I am (cellulite and all) then I don't want your love.

Naturally I took this opportunity to be a jerk and teach him a lesson about asking for full body shots.  I sent him the pic of me at the Rascal Flatts concert here.  Ask and you shall receive, although you won't be going out with me.

Dating Games (Part I)

My friend, Greta, from Dating Without a Net, and I are playing a dating game.  We rationalized that since we keep picking the wrong men for ourselves, we will pick dates for each other via Plenty of Fish.  Figuring that this plan cannot be any worse than the system we currently employ, we provided each other with our zip codes (I live in NJ; Greta lives in TN), dating radius, a few non-negotiable attributes and gave each other free reign.  


The rules were to pick 3 men from our respective geographic locations who fall within the set criteria (who we haven't dated), email, secure a date with at least one and, of course, blog about it.   Greta and I set to work yesterday, but the first task of finding potential dates was more difficult than originally anticipated.  


While I thought that I had a tough time navigating through the hoards of wanna-be-guidos, the dating pool near Greta posed its own challenges.  In her neck of the (back) woods, I found most of the men to be either in the public service or transportation industry (read: cops/security guards and truck drivers) so it was a good thing that education wasn't a deal breaker for Greta (note: education wasn't a criterion of mine either--we tried to make the pool as large as possible).  I found may of the men in her tri-state area of Tennessee, Mississippi and Arkansas to be redneck hillbillies that even this country-lovin' girl wouldn't let buy me a beer um....unimpressive.  


Up here in NJ, I deal with men who swathe themselves in the Italian flag, rock fake tans and faux hawks but these men are no match for Greta's potential suitors.  Between the mullets, missing teeth and hunting prize pictures (I stopped counting after 5 dead animals and one hog-tied pig), I can see why she's having trouble picking the right men.  There were a few attractive men, but they either hadn't been online in months or Greta had already dated them.  Our exchanges went a little something like this:


Me: Here you go--let me know if you've blocked or already talked to them: Johnny, SomeDude, OtherDude.
Greta: I emailed Johnny a while back, wanna switch him out for another?  Here are yours: HotDude, BeachDude, SarcasticDude.
Me: I've already met and um, hung out, with HotDude.  We're good friends.
Greta: No way!  The foot fetish guy?  I thought he was the hottest and totally my type.. you go girl!  I'll pick an alternate for you.
Me: No, the guy with the tiny dog.  Don't know if I told you about him.  He drives that hot truck and is super sweet.  No foot fetish.  Ok, sub BadCop for Johnny---if you haven't already talked to him.
Greta: Good one but BadCop guy hasn't been online since October! #notthatmanyfisharoundhere  Ok, sub this LawyerDude for the HotDude.
Me: Ugh, LawyerDude is "JD" the one who got drunk, said he wanted to swing and tried to get me naked!    I blogged about it here.
Greta: Omg, you have dated every guy in NJ already either that or we totally have the same taste, Let me try one more time...
Me: Ok, so what about Sean? Aside from the weird dog pic, he's pretty cute.  Hamm looks promising too, although I see a radio on his lapel (are you done with dating cops?)
Greta: Sean is the cop I went out with on Friday!!  lol  Ok, last try, have you dated NJman?
Me:   NJman is kind of old but we're running out of options.  Is Sean the cop whose partner got shot while you were on your date?!   What about Tim?  Might be a freak--not a good face pic but his tattoos are kind of sexy.  Or what about Frank?  He kind of looks like a meth head but he has a Masters Degree so it might just be the highlights in his hair that are throwing me off.  OMG we both need to move! 


After way too much time surfing Plenty of Fish, Greta and I have our dates nominated.  I emailed my 3 potentials--BeachDude, SarcasticDude and NJman--and now we wait.  

False Alarm

I had a first date with a man from Plenty of Fish last night.  He had first sent me a message in December but because of the Bar Exam (and other men I was more interested in meeting first) we didn't get around to meeting until, well, last night.  I had a strange feeling about the date after realizing that I had no idea what his name was until the day before our date.  Oops.  Thankfully he was smart enough that when I emailed him with my name and number, he provided his name in kind.  Since I don't disclose names, I will just call him Chief.

Getting ready for my date, I tried to remember a bit about Chief.  Most of our emails were older than 20 days and had been deleted by Plenty of Fish.  His profession was listed as "Entrepreneur" which means anything from stinking rich sugar daddy to drug dealer, so that was no help.  I did seem to remember that he made wine, or his family owned a winery, or something else that had to do with wine--selective filtering at it's best.  Other than that, I was at a loss.

Aside from the fact that I had just learned his name and had no idea what he did for a living, planning to meet for drinks with Chief proved more difficult than necessary.  We communicated via text message and, even though he had asked me out, I got nothing but a series of one word answers when trying to set a time and place.  I had hope that he was just busy and would be more talkative in person.  I was wrong.

Talking to Chief was like pulling teeth.  I'm a pretty easy person to talk to.  I've lived in 6 states, 3 countries and survived sorority rush, yet I could barely get the man to speak.  I managed to find out that he's a Fire Chief (hence the nickname) of his town, makes his own wine with his family (I knew there was wine there somewhere!) and I *think* he might own some sort of construction business (hence the "entrepreneur").  After telling me that his job made it necessary for him to respond to every fire call, I spent the next 2 hours praying for a forest fire, gas leak or other disastrous explosion to get out of possibility the most boring date of my life.  Note: If after everything you say, I respond, "That's funny," I'm referring to the fact that you're now in the running for my worst date ever contest.  

It was obvious that this date was going nowhere so we finished our drinks and left.  We exchanged an awkward, "I hope I never run into you in public" hug and parted ways.

Giddy Up

I swore off dating lawyers after both my ex-husband and creepster, JD, who tried to undress me on our first date.  But, since I tend not to listen to myself very well, I started talking to another attorney, who I will just call Lawyer NYC, a couple of months ago from Plenty of Fish.  He is a cute intellectual property attorney in NYC with a sexy geeky look who, aside from having a penchant for calling me "counselor," did not appear to be a complete weirdo.  Between the Bar Exam and his jaunts down to visit family in Florida, we haven't had the chance to get together but have graduated from emails to text messages. 

We've corresponded at length about going to school in the Midwest, having dual citizenship and international travel--all things we have in common.  When the subject of music came up, I made sure to tell him I like country, as that seems to be a dealbreaker for some close-minded individuals.  Their loss--I go wild wearing a cowboy hat--yeehaw!  Lawyer NYC seemed open to my music taste (brownie points) so we continued talking.  I even sent him a picture of me from the Rascal Flatts concert when he asked how it went. 

I've been busy over the past month and texts between Lawyer NYC and I have died down.  This must have struck a nerve with him because I started getting strange text messages from him filled with legalease and 2am invitations for hot chocolate.   A little strange, but nothing that I couldn't get over. 

However, over the past week, I must have really been on his mind...and I'm starting to wonder what he's doing with my pictures.   While I'm glad that he's open to my love to country music, I think he might be putting the cart in front of the horse.  Sexy text messages can be appreciated in certain instances--like after a number of great dates and a satisfying romp in the hay--but not before an in person meeting.  That's just weird.  From the sounds of it, Lawyer NYC might be a really fun rodeo cowboy, but I think I'm going to pass.