Thursday, February 16, 2012

Cease and Desist

I recently went out with a lawyer who I met on Plenty of Fish. I will call him JD.  I had vowed never to date another lawyer after my divorce, as I learned first hand that two lawyers often do not make good partners.  However this man was cute, lived nearby and looked good on paper.  Funny, I think I've said that about someone before...

JD took me to a nice restaurant in town where we got a table on the bar side of the restaurant.  People watching is always a good fallback on awkward first date conversation so I was all for it.  He was cuter  in person than his pictures suggested...shorter too, but come on, that was a given.  We had a lovely conversation over wine, more wine, calamari and then some 11% Mad Elf Ale that I decided was a good wasn't.

Halfway through our calamari (and our strong beer) the bar area clears out and JD hops over to my side of the booth to talk.  I realize he is drunk and is starting to look a little like the Mad Elf on our beer bottle.  He starts telling me that me that he's a very sexual person.  Fine, sure, so am I.  He explained that it led to the demise of his marriage (I can appreciate that), he and his wife had different sexual appetites (okay), she cheated on him (yeah, that sucks), yadda yadda yadda, and that he was interested in "swinging." Um, what?!

Around that time he started kissing me and playing with my belt.  I gently repositioned his hand and carried on with the conversation.  Although he had skeeved me out, part of me was curious...and no, not the part you think.  I asked him a few questions: Had he ever been to a swingers club? How did he know about this? Have I been living under a rock and is this what single people do now?  The answer was no, he'd never been--it was just a fantasy he had.

This was apparently the green light to put his full effort into undressing me.  I quickly shot him down and he got offended.  This was the point when drunk JD attempted to rationalize with me, "Don't you just want to touch it?  Just touch the base."  Yes, I'm serious.  To this day I have no idea if he meant the metaphorical baseball bases of high school hanky panky or the base of his penis.  Either way, I booked it out of there.  I realized that no matter how curious you are, there are certain topics and certain beverages that are just not appropriate for a first date.

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