Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Deal Breakers

I had a great second date with BR last night (the man I went out with on Friday who looks like a Banana Republic ad).  Following up to my post over the weekend, it turns out that I didn't scare my him off with everything included on my "What Not to Say on a First Date" list--yay!  We went out for dinner last night, which appears to be a step up, as we had met for drinks on Friday.  BR got major bonus points for being respectful (i.e. keeping my clothes on) and not looking like a douche in a lavender shirt.  I like a man who isn't afraid to rock girly colors.

With the first date out of the way and some hour long phone conversations under our belt, we talked a bit about some "meatier" things last night.  Naturally, this had me on high alert for potential deal breakers.  I've spent the past several months honing my "douche radar" and prefer to determine the presence of a deal breaker as soon as possible.  Obviously some things can't be determined right away, but I'll be damned if I don't try to find them out!

  1. Addictions: This is a no brainer for me.  Alcohol, drug, porn, sex and gambling addicts need not apply...unless you make a shit ton of money gambling...or are really good at sex ;) 
  2. Bad Family Relationships: I will never date anyone who has been "disowned" by their mother, again.  Good family relationships are indicative that you're not a huge asshole in general...unless you have a family of assholes, that is.  Treating your family with respect is important.  It's a glaring red flag to scream to a parent, "I wish you had died instead of Dad!" (true story, folks!)
  3. Cheaters: Because it's not cool to share STDs. Note: I do not have any STDs.
  4. Not wanting children: This is tricky one.  At a certain age this question turns from being construed from a curious inquisitive nature to a frantic, "Will-you-have-my-babies-so-that-this-stupid-biological-clock-in-my-head-will-stop-ticking?!  These ovaries aren't getting any younger, damnit!"  I'm not looking to pop out a litter anytime soon, but if I'm ever going to justify a boob job, I'm going to need some ankle biters to suck these tots dry first.  Not to mention, I love kids.
  5. Good Morning Texts: No good morning texts until we're in a relationship.  Seriously, you have nothing better to do but text message me before I've even gone to the bathroom?!
  6. Dick Pics: You might enjoy exchanging longing glances at your one-eyed monster, but it's just freaking me out. 
  7. Bad Mouthing your Ex:  An occasional gripe is okay, but calling her "that pig-faced pirate hooker" ain't gonna fly with me.
  8. Wives:  Call me when your divorce is final and you've been to therapy.  A little role play where you're the married boss and I'm a dictating secretary is a different story altogether ;)
  9. Lack of Education: I'm a lawyer, not a free lunch. There's nothing sexier than a man who doesn't have to ask for an allowance...and knows how to spell. 
  10. Super Freaky Sex Stuff: I'm open minded but draw the line at bodily functions, animals, group sex and pain (aardvark! aardvaaaarrrrrk!)
What are your deal breakers?

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