Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Tiger Man

I met a man online who I will call CJ. He was 41, wore tight jeans and cowboy boots (yummy) and had a sexy smoky voice that made me want to do bad things to him. Divorced for almost a year, CJ seemed like the perfect no drama type of relationship that I could use at the moment. It didn't hurt that on our first date we met for drinks and then continued the night at a country western bar (yeehaw!). It really didn't hurt that the night ended with a kiss and a date for the next night.

In the beginning it was all fun and games--literally. We went to a shooting range, watched the Giants in the playoffs, drank beer and ate greasy bar food. We had amazing chemistry that was the icing hiding the red flag cake. He was a witty intellectual who got my sense of humor and but then things got a little weird.

CJ had some friends of the stuffed variety. The first time he picked me up he apologized for being late. He blamed Bob, the teddy bear belted into the middle back seat, for giving him wrong directions. I introduced myself to Bob (what else was I supposed to do?) and asked why he had a seat belt on. Note: Teddy bears are people too and must wear seat belts in cars. I didn't want him flying around back there, did I?!

Albeit slightly strange, I brushed the Bob episode off as endearing and something that the overall sexiness of CJ could overshadow. Then I met Rajah, the stuffed tiger who guards his twin-sized bed, and two other furry friends whose authentic ethnic names (an African name for the lion and another Indian name for Tiger #2) now escape me. He made them each growl for me. A libido killer that even tight jeans and cowboy boots could not overcome.


There were other red flags that popped up while dating CJ. Breaking his back as a result of a drunken fall down stairs at 2pm and having a house so sparsely furnished that the only place to sit was either on a toilet or on his twin sized bed are notable examples. The morning before I ended the short courtship, things were tense. I was pissed at his overall douchebaggery. Men: For the record, no matter how self depreciating a woman's humor is, it's not funny to say to her, "No wonder your XH ::insert some deplorable action here::"

In an effort to lighten the mood he sent me a picture message of his stuffed friends. They were lined up on his bed with a caption that read: "Hey there, from us!" It was so priceless that I texted him today, solely as a means of recovering that picture from our message history. I doubt I'll ever see that picture again though--Grrr!

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