Dr. Jackass and the Online Dating Application

Several months ago I was browsing on JDate when I got a "flirt" (the JDate equivalent of a "wink") from a 30-year old medical student ("Dr. Jackass"). His profile was witty and he compared himself to different types of candy bars.  Considering my sweet tooth and love of witty banter, I decided to give him a chance.  Having dating both med students and doctors in the past, I was on the look out for the arrogant God-complex that these types can possess.  However, since he was an older medical student (30, instead of the usual 22-26 years of age), I thought that he might have the wherewithal to be a grounded human being.  

I noticed that Dr. Jackass had his email address in one of his pictures and realized that this meant he was too cheap to invest the $40 a month to become an actual member of JDate.  Undeterred, I emailed him to that effect, "I figured since you flirted with me and gratuitously put your email address in your picture that you're one of those guys who wants to see if there are hot enough girls on JDate to justify $40 for a month subscription.  I guess I took the bait."  He responded and we exchanged a series of emails in which we discussed the perils of online dating.  

We had a "date" set up to talk on the phone and after he flaked, he offered to send me something funny, as a measure of goodwill.  He said it was a dating app that he and his friends and come up with in their spare time.  Curious, I told him to send it over.  I'm not sure what I thought he meant about "dating app" but I certainly wasn't expecting an "Application to Date Dr. Jackass" to pop up on my screen.  Regardless, I read through the application, found it funny but overly exhaustive (and borderline misogynistic) and sent Dr. Jackass a note that stating that he had too much time on his hands (especially for a med student) but that it was entertaining. Dr. Jackass replied only to state, "I was expecting you to answer the app."  Umm, what?!  

Had the application been shorter and less arrogant, it might have been cute, but there was no way I was wasting my time to answer 23 questions for some 30 year old student who had stood me up on a telephone date.  After scoffing at the fact that he expected me to fill out this "application" I emailed him my response:

"Considering the most interesting thing about you is your knowledge of cheap American candy bars and quirky (albeit borderline misogynistic) sense of humor, my answer is: Good luck to you--it's probably for the best that you were too cheap to shell out the $40 for JDate!"

Below is the unedited version of the application Dr. Jackass sent to me:

APPLICATION TO DATE DR. JACKASS

Your name:

Question 1: Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:

a) high school diploma

b) high school equivalency (GED)

c) associates degree

d) bachelors degree

e) master's degree

f) MBA/JD

g) Ph.D./MD/DMD

h) I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day

I) Jay Truck Driving School

j) what's edumacation?

k) When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"

Question 2: How did you find my profile?

a) Accidentally

b) A friend told me

c) An enemy told me

d) I told you about it

e) I can smell your desperation from here

f) God hates me

g) Blind hogs eventually find acorns

Question 3: Why are you filling out this form?:

a) I want to ask you out. HA!

b) No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out

c)I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop

d) I'm horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill

e) This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair

f) It's either this or jail time

Question 4: Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?

a) Because I want to go on a date with you.

b) Do I need a reason? Isn't is axiomatic?

c) I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.

d) You seem interesting

e) I think you'd be fun to get drunk with

f) I feel strangely attracted to you

g) RadioI'm one of those people who can't divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me

h) I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self

Question 5: What is it that you find most attractive about me?:

a) Your caustic wit and ambitious verve

b) Your cute face and hot body

c) Your constant use of foul, discourteous language

d) The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth

e) You make me laugh

f)  I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up

g) Everything

Question 6: When would you like to go out with me?:

a) Whenever

b) When you are available

c) Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy

d) When your heart stops

e) After I pre-maturely finish my date with this loser

f) As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg

g) After I give my boyfriend a sleeping pilll so I can sneak out

h) How about never? Is never good for you?

i) "This is my sandbox, but I'm not allowed to go in the deep end."

Question 7: How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:

a) I'm not very attractive

b) I'm cute

c) I'm cute enough for you, wanker

d) I'm hot

e) If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you'll LOVE me

f)  I'm a New York girl (it means you have a hot body and an ugly face...and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in New York fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in New York. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing.)

g) The kids at school used to call out "Baaaby Ruuth" when I would walk by

h) No, really, I don't think you understand: I am UG-LY

i) "Daddy says I'm 'this close' to living in the yard!"

Question 8: How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:

a) I can read enough to answer this

b) I'm average

c) I'm smart enough to get your stupid jokes

d) I'm a freaking genius

e) I see dead people

f) I can bend things with my mind

g) I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!

h) "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Question 9: How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:

a) I'm about average

b) I'm pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone

c) I'm very emotionally stable

d) I am a rock

e) I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out

f) The doctor says he can't increase my prescriptions anymore or he'd get in trouble

g) Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts

h) Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?

i) They mostly come at night. Mostly

j) "That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things."

Question 10: What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:

a) My beautiful eyes

b) My sharp wit

c) My compassionate nature

d) My incredible intelligence

e) My huge breasts

f) I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl

g) My sphincter can break a beer bottle

h) My charming autism

i) My colostomy bag

j) My willingness to use sex to get what I want

k) My perfect landing strip

Question 11: What would you expect me to bring on our date?:

a) Cheap flowers

b) Expensive champagne

c) Your A+ game

d)  I like shiny things

e) A unquenchable libido

f) Astroglide

g) A shoehorn

h)Amniotic dysentery

Question 12: What will I do when I see you?:

a) smile

b) drool

c) start jumping up and down yelling "UH, UH, UH"

d) feign epilepsy

e) vomit uncontrollably

f) run like a track star

Question 13: What will my friends say when they see you?:

a) "Wow, Alex is really lucky. I wish I was him."

b) "Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem--he's getting laid tonight."

c) "She's the hottest thing since nuclear fusion."

d) "Tonight's forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate love making."

e) "My Lord--she smells like the fish market."

f) "I wouldn't call her fat, but he's gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this."

g) "She's just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him."

h) "Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?"

i) "Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake."

Question 14: What should I wear?:

a) Something that says "derelict frat boy," like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat

b) Something that says "I'm a rich, arrogant executive", like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie

c) Something that says "I'm Euro-trash, but at least I look good," like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt

d) Something that says "I ain't got me no money," like a burlap sack

e) Something that says "I've been on Cops," like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater

f) Something that says "ethnic," like a dashiki and a fez

g) Something that says "I really don't care", like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt

h) Something that says "retro Miami Vice," like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit

i) Whatever you have that's clean

j) Surprise me

k) Nothing at all

Question 15: What will we do on our first date?:

a) Go to dinner and a movie

b) Argue, yell and possibly even fight

c) Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk

d) Fuck. What else would we do?

e) None of the above

f) Some strange combination of the above

Question 16: What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:

a) Italian

b) Chinese

c) American

d) Southwestern

e) Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)

f) Light post-coital snack

g) Who needs to eat if liquor is available?

Question 17: What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I'll be drinking):

a) champagne

b) beer

c) liquor

d) wine

e) wine in a box

f) whatever is cheapest

g) whatever we can steal from homeless people

h) whatever we can make in your bathtub

i) I prefer hard drugs, thank you

Question 18: How much does it take to get you drunk?:

a)The smell of alcohol

b) A few beers

c) A few glasses of wine

d) A six-pack

e) I can out drink an Irish Catholic

f) Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.

g) "Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

Question 19: What will we talk about on our date?:

a) Me

b) You

c) Sex

d) Sex in public places

e) The sexual foibles of ex's

f)  What that slut at the next table is wearing

h) How much everyone around us sucks

i) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory

j) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex

k) Flannery O'Connor's use of symbolism

l) Herman Melville's use of metaphor

m) Ron Jeremy's use of irony

n) Lots of different things

Question 20: I should compliment you by saying:

a) "You have incredible eyes."

b) "That is the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

c) "You are a very cool person."

d) "You're ugly, but you intrigue me."

e) "You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock."

f) "That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes."

g) "Did you fart? You farted, didn't you?"

h) "I'd club a baby seal to get a second date with you."

i) "You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too."

Question 21: Finish this sentence: "I like a man that…

a) respects me."

b) worships me."

c) deifies me."

d) likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."

e) treats me like shit." (be honest…)

f) has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison."

g) is uglier than me."

h) is dumber than me."

i) won't make fun of my club foot."

Question 22: What will we do after the date?

a) Have Mountain Dew and dessert

b) Run out on the bill

c) Go dancing

d) Have a long and meaningful conversation

e) Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table

f) Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle

g) Point out each others shortcomings

h) Groping and pawing each other

i) Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!

Question 23: How will the date end?:

a) Unpleasantly

b) An awkward silence

c) A noncommital hug

d) A sweet, tender kiss

e) Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex

f) Us planning for another date

g) Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put your blog

h) Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my veranda

i) Me calling the cops to get you out of my house

j) One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces

Pencils down  ;)

Would you have completed this asinine application???

Why Do I Attract Stalkers?

DJ has quickly become another one of my stalkers.  One of the men who just lacks the ability to let go. For some reason, I seem to attract nut cases.  At first I worried that "like attracts like," "birds of a feather flock together," and the other sayings that would mean that I'm crazy as well, but I'm chocking it up to bad taste in men and a great time in bed (ha, I'm kidding!  The first nut case barely even got into my pants!).  Really, it's because I continue to engage these men after they've gone off the deep end.  I need to ignore them better.  Regardless, it makes for some funny stories.

Cry Baby
My first stalker was an old high school boyfriend, Cry Baby.  In the summer after 10th grade I went away for a month on a trip to Israel and Europe.  I came back with a new perspective on life, a desire to date Jewish boys and promptly dumped him.  Cry Baby's teenaged heart was crushed and (since it was back in the pre-cell phone days) he would incessantly call my parent's house in an effort to get me to back.  He told me he wanted to hurt me and made some terroristic threats on the country where I had just visited.  One day, Cry Baby called my parents house and my brother, who is 8 years older than me and at 5'8" was significantly larger than my pint-sized former paramour, picked up the phone.  Cry Baby was crying (hence the nickname)and begged my brother (through snot rockets and hiccups) to let him speak to me.  I picked up the phone at the same time I heard my brother boom, "Stop crying you f*cking pussy!  You think I'm going to let you speak to my sister after the pathetic crap you just spewed out?!  If you bother her again, I will kill you, do you understand?!"  Have I mentioned how awesome my brother is?

ESPN
I didn't deal with another stalker until years later.  ESPN was the man I dated immediately before I met my ex-husband, who, as you might guess, worked at ESPN.  I had broken up with him but he was determined to win me back.  He spent a month calling and texting me, emailing my friends to ask them to talk to me and even told me he would have proposed if he had had a ring.  It got so bad that a law school friend who used to work for the FBI, offered to get me a gun for protection.  Thankfully, I was living over an hour away and didn't feel the need for a firearm.   ESPN finally stopped harassing me when I got engaged to my ex-husband, a mere 3 and a half months after our breakup (I know, I know...)

Ex-Husband
My ex-husband was another one who just couldn't let go.  This likely had more to do with the fact that I sprung our divorce on him like it was a surprise trip to Disney World than anything.  That, and the fact that we were married and had vowed to spend our lives together, he presumably loved me very much.  But since actions speak louder than words, we'll go with the surprise factor for the reason he couldn't let go.  I won't divulge too much (you know, because I'm nice and/or because I've blocked out the entire messy divorce process from my memory) but he actually had the nerve to ask my parents (in the courthouse, immediately before our divorce hearing) if they could get me to reconsider my decision.  Dude, let it go.

Teacher
Teacher was someone I dated for a few weeks in October.  He was a single dad of 2 daughters and a high school English teacher. I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious, as I was just starting to date after my divorce.  I'm very into baking and arts and crafts and had given him some good ideas about things to do with his girls.  I told him that I was baking a cake in the shape of a turkey for Thanksgiving because my nephew loves it (I'm not going to lie, I do too, it's a freaking awesome cake mould!).  Then he tells me how excited he was that we would be spending Thanksgiving together--me, him and his kids.  Umm, WTF?!  I quickly ended things after I realized that he wanted an instant wife, step mom and mother (for himself) all in one.  He freaked out and sent me the most grammatically correct scathing emails that I was overwhelmingly impressed and scared at the same time.  I ended up filtering his emails, threatening a restraining order and commenting that a restraining order might affect both his teaching job and his custody situation.  He emailed me a few months after to apologize and ask to grab some coffee.  Umm, no.


BR
I wrote about BR here and here and a few other places that I'm too lazy to link to.  He begged for a second chance and I gave it to him even though I wasn't really feeling a connection.  Fast forward and I realized he was relationship stupid and I was attracted enough to him to fix it.  He didn't go off the deep end, per se, but he wrote me email novellas as to why we would be good together, how he could change, how my feelings weren't justified, etc.  He finally stopped when I ignored enough of these emails and deleted him off Facebook.  Just last month though, he sent me a Facebook message congratulating me on the Bar Exam and making a comment on how we should get back together.  No thanks.


DJ
I worried that DJ would also go off the deep end, as he seem unsatisfied with how I broke things off.  He seemed like a very even keeled man though so I sent him a final email explaining some things I hadn't previously mentioned and how they were non-negotiable for me.  I stated that this would be the last of the discussion and wished him luck.  Surprisingly, it was not the end of the discussion for him.

He told me that he respected my decisions but wanted to argue his way and change my mind.  Umm, WTF?!  That's no where near respecting my decision.  I continued to ignore his emails and text messages and hoped it would go away...until yesterday.  I was out with friends when I received a call from a florist.  My heart sank.  I knew that DJ had sent me flowers.  For a man who claims to have paid attention to me, he must have zoned out on the conversation in which I told him, "I do NOT like flowers.  They shed and die and smell.  I especially dislike roses.  I think they're an overpriced waste of money.  Please never get me flowers."  Of course, he got me flowers, lots of them, with roses.  The arrangement was topped with a pleading note and about a zillion "xoxo's" before his name.

"One drink is all I ask :) xoxoxo :insert name here:"

That wasn't the end of it though.  A few hours after the call from the florist, DJ called, asking about the flowers.  I sent the call to voicemail and I thanked him via text. I told him there was nothing to discuss and wished him luck.  He called again and was sent to voicemail.  Dude, get the message already!  

He then proceeded to berate me via text message and email about how I'm a terrible evil person and how he at least deserves an explanation as to why we can't live happily ever after together.  "I at least deserve to sit down with you for a drink," he texted.  My response, "The only thing you deserve at this point is a padded room and a restraining order.  Leave me alone!"

Dating Games (Part III): Game Over

You may recall that my friend Greta and I are playing a dating game.  I wrote about how we picked out dates for each other here and how we contacted our potential dates here.  


The Dating Games, as Greta and I have played them, have come to an end.  What we originally thought would be a fun idea turned out to be a bust...well, at least in my case.  I emailed and heard back from 2 out of the 3 men who Greta picked for me.  

[via]

SarcasticDude
SarcasticDude (who I wrote about here) turned out to be a douche before we even met.  It so happens that he's selfish as well.  After telling him never to contact me again, I got a text message from him the other day asking if I knew any tax attorneys.  Seriously, dude?!  You badger me for a full body picture, making it clear that you're entirely superficial (never mind that you're not even that cute) and then have the audacity to ask me for a professional reference?!  Apparently, "I wouldn't have asked you if it wasn't an emergency" is a way of downplaying that he disrespected my wishes never to hear from him again.  To top it off, his follow up email on Plenty of Fish a few days later that made me wonder if I have a potential stalker on my hands.  


BeachDude
Try as I did, BeachDude was just not dateable.  His one line emails and "lols" were enough to discount him.  After my date with Chief, I learned that if I have to pull teeth over text or email, there's a good chance it's going to be like that in person.  To top it off, he never so much as asked me to get together for a drink...not that his 8pm-4am work schedule would have allowed for us to meet anyway.  The emails with BeachDude tapered off and I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks.


Lesson Learned
While we thought it sounded like a fun idea at the game, having someone pick potential dates for me worked out worse than picking a date for myself.  Ironically, Greta did pick JD for me, but I had disqualified him because we had already gone out.  Considering I just had my 3rd (post second chance) date with him and things are going well, maybe the Dating Games aren't over after all...

False Alarm

I had a first date with a man from Plenty of Fish last night.  He had first sent me a message in December but because of the Bar Exam (and other men I was more interested in meeting first) we didn't get around to meeting until, well, last night.  I had a strange feeling about the date after realizing that I had no idea what his name was until the day before our date.  Oops.  Thankfully he was smart enough that when I emailed him with my name and number, he provided his name in kind.  Since I don't disclose names, I will just call him Chief.

Getting ready for my date, I tried to remember a bit about Chief.  Most of our emails were older than 20 days and had been deleted by Plenty of Fish.  His profession was listed as "Entrepreneur" which means anything from stinking rich sugar daddy to drug dealer, so that was no help.  I did seem to remember that he made wine, or his family owned a winery, or something else that had to do with wine--selective filtering at it's best.  Other than that, I was at a loss.

Aside from the fact that I had just learned his name and had no idea what he did for a living, planning to meet for drinks with Chief proved more difficult than necessary.  We communicated via text message and, even though he had asked me out, I got nothing but a series of one word answers when trying to set a time and place.  I had hope that he was just busy and would be more talkative in person.  I was wrong.

Talking to Chief was like pulling teeth.  I'm a pretty easy person to talk to.  I've lived in 6 states, 3 countries and survived sorority rush, yet I could barely get the man to speak.  I managed to find out that he's a Fire Chief (hence the nickname) of his town, makes his own wine with his family (I knew there was wine there somewhere!) and I *think* he might own some sort of construction business (hence the "entrepreneur").  After telling me that his job made it necessary for him to respond to every fire call, I spent the next 2 hours praying for a forest fire, gas leak or other disastrous explosion to get out of possibility the most boring date of my life.  Note: If after everything you say, I respond, "That's funny," I'm referring to the fact that you're now in the running for my worst date ever contest.  

It was obvious that this date was going nowhere so we finished our drinks and left.  We exchanged an awkward, "I hope I never run into you in public" hug and parted ways.