Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Analyze This

Last night I spent 40 minutes on the phone with BR breaking things off with him.  Apparently the email I sent in which I explained how he insulted me and made me realize that we weren't compatible wasn't good enough.  He called to try to figure out if the issues I had weren't a result of not knowing each other well enough and could be something we could work on.   They're not and they can't.

After about 20 minutes of explaining why I was upset at the weekend's conversations, I realized that he still wasn't getting it.  He was arguing semantics, explaining that I had misunderstood him.  In reality, I understood his stupid comments quite clearly--he is relationship stupid, I get that.  But the semantics weren't the big picture...the fact that we're simply not compatible is.  I told him that there were just too many things that were missing for me but he didn't seem to understand.  I think if I hadn't gotten off the phone after 40 minutes that I could have been explaining myself until I was blue in the face...more like red in the face because I was getting really impatient with his requests for clarity.  The conversation was a a combination of me saying the following in between his feeble attempts to explain that these are all things we could work on.

Dude, I'm not that into you...I don't know how else to say it...It's just not enough for me...We're not compatible...No really, trust me, we're not... I promise these are big issues for me that can't be worked out...Yes, really...No, I'm not willing to compromise on these issues...Honestly, this isn't working for me...We're really not compatible...Do you really want to be in a relationship where I'm forcing myself to make things work...Really, it's not going to happen...and how can you not like country music??? 

I'm giving myself a big ol' pat on the back for this conversation for two reasons.  First, I managed to stay calm and not curse or scream throughout the 40 minute conversation in which I essentially repeated the same things over and over and over again.  I even told BR the self control it was taking me not to strangle the phone out of frustration that I had to justify myself to him.  True story. You'd think at that point that he would have gotten the hint--but we've gone over how he's relationship stupid.

The second reason I'm patting myself on the back is because I stood up for myself.  I recognized that there were greater issues than "just not feeling it" and articulated those well...regardless of the fact that they fell on deaf ears.  There are some things that are not negotiable for me.  That includes being thoughtful and considerate.  Like when you know you're having a woman over for a drink before dinner, you should text her to ask what she wants to drink or pickup a couple options and not just say "screw it."   Instead BR hoped that I would just drink Jack on the rocks because that's all he had in the house and didn't feel like going to the liquor store after spending an hour buying softball cleats at Sports Authority.  Yes, BR, to me that is indicative of the kind of person you are.

BR tried to argue with me that his actions were not a reflection of the man he is.  I countered that if his actions weren't who he was, then perhaps he should change them.  After my divorce I realized that someone who refuses to pick up his own dog's crap (I was the designated poop picker upper for years) is someone who will always run from a problem.  Actions are an insight into the person themselves and if you don't think enough about me to consider what I'd like to drink, or to ask if I'd prefer crushed or cubed ice (cubed, the crushed ruined my drink doofus), or even realize that this is an issue, then you're not the right person for me.

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