Thursday, March 8, 2012

Plenty of Freaks

Lately I've had some discussions about the differences between the paid and unpaid online dating sites.  In the past I had only used paid dating sites like JDate and Match, however now that I'm single again and casually dating (i.e. not actively looking for a husband) I decided to give the unpaid sites a shot and signed up for Plenty of Fish (aka POF aka Plenty of Freaks).  I had previously posted some POF gems but I have received too many not to add these babies to the list.  Enjoy my recent emails from Plenty of Freaks.

Note: Some of these emails have been edited for cursing and obscenity.

Subject: Friends with benefits
hi there ---
very nice to meet you, i'm kyle ;-)
i just want to say that i think you are *extremely* sexy!! i realize that this is a weird 1st question but, would you like to meet a well hung guy who can **** you for hours and hours and make you **** like crazy?
let me know if you are interested.

Out of sheer curiousity, I click on Kyle's profile with a picture of his face covered by a baseball hat.  Kyle states that he's not looking for a one night stand, but rather "I am looking for an exclusive friend and lover with the hopes that eventually she will become my one and only."  If you're offended, he even included a disclaimer that introductions aren't his forte, even though he runs a "successful marketing business in the tri-state area".  Thanks for the heads up, Kyle.  "I am usually bad with first contact, so if what I wrote appeals to you, don't hesitate to drop me a note to say hello."

Subject: A Great Relationship Sought
It's time for me to settle down and start a family and get married. I am a gentlemen that treats a lady as a gift from God and always places her first and foremost.
Can we get to know each other

This man's profile indicates that he likes antique watches and has a high degree of self confidence.  "My social skills and morals will cement our friendship into love."  In other words, I will hypnotize you with my pocket watch and make you fall in love with me.

Subject: I Got Just What You Need
look no further,
the way you posed makes many things come to mind you have very sexy nice smile. pretty eyes. You are the kind of girl most guys cannot get out of their heads even if they met you on a bad hair day.. .

look at those sexy eyes It's like they're talking to me. but what are they saying I don't know, but whatever it is, it's by far the most fascinating eyes I ever seeing in my life, look I'm convince! tell me more! anyone who kisses you is in for a long, intense ride. you seem like a very infatuate kind of woman to be with you be my desire, I will be your delight I adore the way you look, you are ABSOLUTE BEAUTY… stunning eyes and an amazing gorgeous smile wow… you have got a very mysterious look about you haven’t you; I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you a long passionate kiss. our tongues dance a hot tango while they explore each other.. I would love to see you up close and personal.

Mr. Webster needs to redefine the word "SEXY" in his dictionary with your name and your pictures! on it you are truly an outstanding! absolutely sexy AWESOME! SHOTS AND YOU ARE TRULY LOOK LIKE a MODEL I can not give you enough thumbs up , There are 20 angels are in this world, 10 are sleeping, 9 are playing and 1 of them is you left behind for me.

I live alone no kids never been married have my own car love children and animal I am 6tf 190bls and low hair cut carry myself well like to have fun. that is it about me. I am looking to make a real connection here. you have the most exquisite eyes I’ve ever seem and everything else looks so perfect
I cannot give you enough thumbs up to all your picture! I love them all awesome you are an ABSOLUTE BEAUTY you have such gorgeous smile. a stunning eyes and an amazing face.

close your eyes and imagine life with me. us two being together how wonderful it would be I want my heart, belong to you I’m sure with a fine. family oriented classy articulated woman like you sweet heart my heart, will never feel- sad nor empty must I tell you gorgeous I don’t even know you yet, but you got me. falling for you already, and having a lot of good thoughts and thinking words like wow! be mine.

Remember you can look everywhere and never find what you are looking for, but if you just listen to your heart and believe that God is near, you might just find what you are seeking without knowing it!

I hope you are having a wonderful day, and a terrific. day...!
have a wonderful night,
bye now….

Yours Truly

This would be have been super creepy if this was the first email Mike had sent me, but Mike had sent me another obvious copy and paste in a similarly cheesy form 2 weeks ago.  In his previous email, he compared me to an apple on the top of the tree that other men are too lazy to get to--but don't worry, he will climb the ladder and pick me.  He also sent the apple message to a friend of mine who is on POF.  In case the email wasn't compelling enough, Mike included pictures of a zebra print bed with scattered rose petals, a photo of him with a friend making obvious gang signs and one of him dressed in his Sunday best in church.  Too bad I'm Jewish--we could have been the perfect couple!

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