How to Spot a Douchebag

It's come to my attention that I have some new readers who I'd like to personally welcome to the blog.  ::waves hello, smile and tips cowboy hat::  I hope you enjoy reading my anonymous stories of hilarity and personal reflections that I have compiled since I decided that life was too short to be anything but happy.  

Since I started dating (and looking back at my dating past) I have had several discussions with my girlfriends about refining our "Douche-dar".  Similar to "Gay-dar", "Jew-dar" and other anecdotally supported yet unreliable radar systems, "Douche-dar" is the ability to spot a douchebag.  

Whereas "Gay-dar" may be tipped off by a jazz-handed, paisley-clad man drinking an apple martini and "Jew-dar" is heightened during conversations about camp, Long Island and Florence-study abroad programs, "Douche-dar" is more difficult to hone.  The difference between these radar systems is that while "Gay-dar" and "Jew-dar" make you aware of people who you want to date (as gays and Jews tend to look for similar individuals when looking for a partner), "Douche-dar" tips you off to those who you don't want to date.  The status of "douchebag" is something that is hidden, rather than placed on the forefront.  As such, it's difficult to spot a douchebag...unless you know what you're looking for.

Below I have compiled a list detailing how to spot a douchebag.  While this is not an exhaustive list, it is a list I have compiled based on personal experiences, or the experiences of my friends.  It is an unapologetically means of ruling out men who are, more than likely, douchebags.  There may be men who fall under some of these criteria who are not douchebags, or douchebags who do not fall anywhere on this list.  As I said, this list isn't exhaustive so please feel free to add to it in the comments section below. 

HOW TO SPOT A DOUCHEBAG

1. He goes by a nickname unrelated to his legal name-- Any man who thinks he's too cool for his real name is a douchebag.  Going by "JJ" instead of James Joseph or "Smitty" when his last name is Smith is ok, but giving himself a nickname like "The Situation" is a sure sign that he's a douchebag.
2. He insults people-- If everyone else is a loser; moron; douchebag or pussy, chances are he's the douchebag.
3. He drives a Hummer-- Unless he's driving it through a foreign desert and shooting at enemy combatants, he's a gas-guzzling, attention-whore who is likely overcompensating for a teeny weenie and, most certainly, a douchebag. 
4. His car is a color that's not available in stock-- Yellow, neon green, electric blue and anything with racing stripes is another sign of an overcompensating attention-whorish douchebag.
5. He drives a new muscle car-- If it's reminiscent of the old muscle cars but was manufactured within the past 20 years, he's a douchebag...unless he's 45 and going through a midlife crisis or over 60 and reliving his youth, neither of which you want to date anyway.
6. He high fives or chest bumps-- Unless you're at a sporting event or mocking people who high five and chest bump, high fives and chest bumps are signs of a douchebag. 
7. He has stupid stickers on his rear windshield-- Including but not limited to the Calvin and Hobbs kid peeing on something, a silhouette of a naked woman and the "shocker".  There's no reason for these stickers other than to publicly display your status as a douchebag.
   
   
   
8. He wears sunglasses at night-- Whether they're on his head or on his face, sunglasses at night are never acceptable and either mean that you're a douchebag or on drugs (and therefore, a douchebag).  The one obvious exception is Corey Hart.
9. He talks about taking naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend-- Bonus douche points if he mentions that he still has the pictures and pushes you to take naked pics for him. This recently happened to me during a third, and final, date with a douchebag.
10. He brags about "cheating the system"-- If he brags about not paying taxes; getting out of every ticket because of his "connections"; hiding his assets by putting them in another person's name or his new motorcycle that he bought instead of paying child support, he's a douchebag.
11. Edited: Douche Face-- After some comments, I realized that I forgot to include one more thing to look for: Douche Face.  Douche Face is the inexplicable look that a douchebag has.  It's not a face they're always wearing though so you have to look closely.  
    Douche Face usually comes out while douchebags are checking their reflection or dancing.  Since douchebags think they're God's gift to women, they can be found checking themselves out in a variety of reflective surfaces, including, but not limited to, the bathroom mirror; rear view mirror of their yellow Hummer or muscle car; window of a sunglass store or even in the reflection of the sunglasses they're wearing at night.  The face takes on a douchy look that's a combination of Blue Steel and Magnum (from Zoolander, of course) with a touch of hatred for all things non-douchy and a pinch of "Oh yeah, baby, you know you want this!"

Have you come across any douchebags lately?