Monday, June 25, 2012

How to Spot a Douchebag

It's come to my attention that I have some new readers who I'd like to personally welcome to the blog.  ::waves hello, smile and tips cowboy hat::  I hope you enjoy reading my anonymous stories of hilarity and personal reflections that I have compiled since I decided that life was too short to be anything but happy.  

Since I started dating (and looking back at my dating past) I have had several discussions with my girlfriends about refining our "Douche-dar".  Similar to "Gay-dar", "Jew-dar" and other anecdotally supported yet unreliable radar systems, "Douche-dar" is the ability to spot a douchebag.  

Whereas "Gay-dar" may be tipped off by a jazz-handed, paisley-clad man drinking an apple martini and "Jew-dar" is heightened during conversations about camp, Long Island and Florence-study abroad programs, "Douche-dar" is more difficult to hone.  The difference between these radar systems is that while "Gay-dar" and "Jew-dar" make you aware of people who you want to date (as gays and Jews tend to look for similar individuals when looking for a partner), "Douche-dar" tips you off to those who you don't want to date.  The status of "douchebag" is something that is hidden, rather than placed on the forefront.  As such, it's difficult to spot a douchebag...unless you know what you're looking for.

Below I have compiled a list detailing how to spot a douchebag.  While this is not an exhaustive list, it is a list I have compiled based on personal experiences, or the experiences of my friends.  It is an unapologetically means of ruling out men who are, more than likely, douchebags.  There may be men who fall under some of these criteria who are not douchebags, or douchebags who do not fall anywhere on this list.  As I said, this list isn't exhaustive so please feel free to add to it in the comments section below. 


  1. He goes by a nickname unrelated to his legal name-- Any man who thinks he's too cool for his real name is a douchebag.  Going by "JJ" instead of James Joseph or "Smitty" when his last name is Smith is ok, but giving himself a nickname like "The Situation" is a sure sign that he's a douchebag.
  2. He insults people-If everyone else is a loser; moron; douchebag or pussy, chances are he's the douchebag.
  3. He drives a Hummer-- Unless he's driving it through a foreign desert and shooting at enemy combatants, he's a gas-guzzling, attention-whore who is likely overcompensating for a teeny weenie and, most certainly, a douchebag. 
  4. His car is a color that's not available in stock-- Yellow, neon green, electric blue and anything with racing stripes is another sign of an overcompensating attention-whorish douchebag.
  5. He drives a new muscle car-- If it's reminiscent of the old muscle cars but was manufactured within the past 20 years, he's a douchebag...unless he's 45 and going through a midlife crisis or over 60 and reliving his youth, neither of which you want to date anyway.
  6. He high fives or chest bumps-- Unless you're at a sporting event or mocking people who high five and chest bump, high fives and chest bumps are signs of a douchebag. 
  7. He has stupid stickers on his rear windshield-- Including but not limited to the Calvin and Hobbs kid peeing on something, a silhouette of a naked woman and the "shocker".  There's no reason for these stickers other than to publicly display your status as a douchebag.

  8. He wears sunglasses at night-- Whether they're on his head or on his face, sunglasses at night are never acceptable and either mean that you're a douchebag or on drugs (and therefore, a douchebag).  The one obvious exception is Corey Hart.
  9. He talks about taking naked pictures of his ex-girlfriend-- Bonus douche points if he mentions that he still has the pictures and pushes you to take naked pics for him. This recently happened to me during a third, and final, date with a douchebag.
  10. He brags about "cheating the system"-- If he brags about not paying taxes; getting out of every ticket because of his "connections"; hiding his assets by putting them in another person's name or his new motorcycle that he bought instead of paying child support, he's a douchebag.
  11. Edited: Douche Face-- After some comments, I realized that I forgot to include one more thing to look for: Douche Face.  Douche Face is the inexplicable look that a douchebag has.  It's not a face they're always wearing though so you have to look closely.  
    Douche Face usually comes out while douchebags are checking their reflection or dancing.  Since douchebags think they're God's gift to women, they can be found checking themselves out in a variety of reflective surfaces, including, but not limited to, the bathroom mirror; rear view mirror of their yellow Hummer or muscle car; window of a sunglass store or even in the reflection of the sunglasses they're wearing at night.  The face takes on a douchy look that's a combination of Blue Steel and Magnum (from Zoolander, of course) with a touch of hatred for all things non-douchy and a pinch of "Oh yeah, baby, you know you want this!"
Have you come across any douchebags lately? 


  1. Don't forget:

    11. He wears Ed Hardy, TapOut, or other tight, expensive, sequined attire. Unless it's just a clever parody. But even then... he's probably still a douchebag.

    12. Fist pumping - the greased up douche's only dance move.

    1. 11. So true! I didn't include those because I thought it was too "New Jersey-centric" and wanted it to be more universal. I guess douchebags all over wear things like that though.

      12. Fist pumping--unless it's a parody, it is another good one. I found myself fist pumping down the Jersey Shore a few weekends ago. Then again, I was also hanging out with a bunch of Guidos in bedazzled Ed Hardy tshirts!

  2. 13. Ugh, he has those "balls" that hang from the hitch of his car.

    14. He thinks he's God's gift to women, or as I like to refer to him, a douchecanoe.

    1. 13. Those things are gross! Good call!

      14. This goes along with douche face, which I forgot to include. Off to edit!

  3. He shows up for a movie night *without* bringing a movie, and instead has not one but two bottles of wine...douchebag.

  4. nooo! muscle cars (even the new ones) are my favourite!

    Maybe I'm a douche bag... hmmm....

    1. I'll give you a pass because you're Canadian :)

  5. WHAT?! HIGH FIVES ARE AWESOME! And I'm am definitely not a douche. Also I are there such things as female doucheba.....oh wait nevermind

    1. Calling me a douchbag is another sign of a douchebag, "Anonymous" :)

  6. Often has an open/no shirt or popped collar.
    Hat tipped at a perfect angle to the side.
    Always have some kind of chinese tatoo on their arm.
    Has at least one 16oz can of hair gel.

    1. Good ones Maureen! I'll give pass to the Chinese tattoos though--we were all 21 and dumb once!

  7. I think your list is pretty exhaustive, but I happened to spend some time with a douchebag today at an engagement party, so I have something to add! Douchebags cannot ever take a joke at their expense.
    Real life example: Newly engaged friend is telling a funny childhood story that involves her nephew, who is 25 and at the party. In the story he is 6 years old...
    Friend: And then Mike gets so scared of the snake, he started to cry.
    Friend's fiance: Aw, don't worry Mike, no snakes here! *slaps Mike lightly on the shoulder*
    Mike: How about you touch me again? I'll fuck you up. I'm not afraid of snakes, fuck both of you! *making scary rage face*
    Everyone else: wtf?
    And he wasn't even drunk yet.

    1. Good one! A douchebag can never take a joke that's at their expense!