Happy Divorce Anniversary to Me!

Today marks a year to the day when I walked up to the courthouse flanked by my supportive parents to officially end my marriage.  The first time I had faced my ex-husband since I had sprung a divorce on him like a trip to Disney World (sure honey, I'll come over at 8. ::ding dong, process server!::).  I remember that day like it was both yesterday and a lifetime ago.

I remember agonizing over what to wear to the courthouse, as I wanted to look fabulous but professional the last time I saw the man I was divorcing, lest he forget what a fine piece of ass an amazing woman, 11 years his junior, he was losing.  My parents told me he had worn the cuff links from our wedding (nice touch) when he came to talk to them and ask them to ask me to reconsider my decision (really now?).  Those cuff links that less than two years earlier had received a marital blessing were now witnessing my mother's infamous "Screw You" speech, calm and nonthreatening with just the right amount of Jewish guilt.

It took all of my self control not to scoff at the judge when he asked whether there was any hope for reconciliation and then let out a "Woohooooo!" when he announced we were officially divorced.  My mother and I celebrated with sangria, courtesy of my amazing attorneys and, later that night, we commemorated the event with members of our golf club over Blow job Shots.  Note: The proper way to announce that you're doing morally questionable shooters in a country club is not to announce, "I'm doing blow jobs tonight!" 

Blow job Shot, no hands necessary

A year ago, people told me that trite adage, "This is the first day of the rest of your life!" that you hear at every momentous occasion.  Between 3 graduations, a wedding, a GTFO (Get the Eff Out) day and a divorce day, I ought to have relived my the first day of my life more times than a cat.  But this time it was true.  Something was different, and it wasn't just my ability to have a good sex life.

Over the past year I lost 182 pounds of baggage (plus 10 of my own, thankyouverymuch) and I've gained back my identity.  As it turns out, there was a pretty fabulous woman lurking under the shadow of her husband!  I became a woman who knows no bounds, who isn't afraid to speak her mind (anonymously and in vague terms) and who knows that she deserves so much better than what she settled for.  Thanks to the support of my family and friends, I have an amazing life with so much ahead of me.

Happy Divorce Anniversary to Me!

Dr. Jackass and the Online Dating Application

Several months ago I was browsing on JDate when I got a "flirt" (the JDate equivalent of a "wink") from a 30-year old medical student ("Dr. Jackass"). His profile was witty and he compared himself to different types of candy bars.  Considering my sweet tooth and love of witty banter, I decided to give him a chance.  Having dating both med students and doctors in the past, I was on the look out for the arrogant God-complex that these types can possess.  However, since he was an older medical student (30, instead of the usual 22-26 years of age), I thought that he might have the wherewithal to be a grounded human being.  

I noticed that Dr. Jackass had his email address in one of his pictures and realized that this meant he was too cheap to invest the $40 a month to become an actual member of JDate.  Undeterred, I emailed him to that effect, "I figured since you flirted with me and gratuitously put your email address in your picture that you're one of those guys who wants to see if there are hot enough girls on JDate to justify $40 for a month subscription.  I guess I took the bait."  He responded and we exchanged a series of emails in which we discussed the perils of online dating.  

We had a "date" set up to talk on the phone and after he flaked, he offered to send me something funny, as a measure of goodwill.  He said it was a dating app that he and his friends and come up with in their spare time.  Curious, I told him to send it over.  I'm not sure what I thought he meant about "dating app" but I certainly wasn't expecting an "Application to Date Dr. Jackass" to pop up on my screen.  Regardless, I read through the application, found it funny but overly exhaustive (and borderline misogynistic) and sent Dr. Jackass a note that stating that he had too much time on his hands (especially for a med student) but that it was entertaining. Dr. Jackass replied only to state, "I was expecting you to answer the app."  Umm, what?!  

Had the application been shorter and less arrogant, it might have been cute, but there was no way I was wasting my time to answer 23 questions for some 30 year old student who had stood me up on a telephone date.  After scoffing at the fact that he expected me to fill out this "application" I emailed him my response:

"Considering the most interesting thing about you is your knowledge of cheap American candy bars and quirky (albeit borderline misogynistic) sense of humor, my answer is: Good luck to you--it's probably for the best that you were too cheap to shell out the $40 for JDate!"

Below is the unedited version of the application Dr. Jackass sent to me:

APPLICATION TO DATE DR. JACKASS

Your name:

Question 1: Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:

a) high school diploma

b) high school equivalency (GED)

c) associates degree

d) bachelors degree

e) master's degree

f) MBA/JD

g) Ph.D./MD/DMD

h) I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day

I) Jay Truck Driving School

j) what's edumacation?

k) When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!"

Question 2: How did you find my profile?

a) Accidentally

b) A friend told me

c) An enemy told me

d) I told you about it

e) I can smell your desperation from here

f) God hates me

g) Blind hogs eventually find acorns

Question 3: Why are you filling out this form?:

a) I want to ask you out. HA!

b) No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out

c)I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop

d) I'm horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill

e) This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair

f) It's either this or jail time

Question 4: Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?

a) Because I want to go on a date with you.

b) Do I need a reason? Isn't is axiomatic?

c) I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.

d) You seem interesting

e) I think you'd be fun to get drunk with

f) I feel strangely attracted to you

g) RadioI'm one of those people who can't divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me

h) I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self

Question 5: What is it that you find most attractive about me?:

a) Your caustic wit and ambitious verve

b) Your cute face and hot body

c) Your constant use of foul, discourteous language

d) The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth

e) You make me laugh

f)  I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up

g) Everything

Question 6: When would you like to go out with me?:

a) Whenever

b) When you are available

c) Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy

d) When your heart stops

e) After I pre-maturely finish my date with this loser

f) As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg

g) After I give my boyfriend a sleeping pilll so I can sneak out

h) How about never? Is never good for you?

i) "This is my sandbox, but I'm not allowed to go in the deep end."

Question 7: How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:

a) I'm not very attractive

b) I'm cute

c) I'm cute enough for you, wanker

d) I'm hot

e) If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you'll LOVE me

f)  I'm a New York girl (it means you have a hot body and an ugly face...and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in New York fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in New York. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing.)

g) The kids at school used to call out "Baaaby Ruuth" when I would walk by

h) No, really, I don't think you understand: I am UG-LY

i) "Daddy says I'm 'this close' to living in the yard!"

Question 8: How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:

a) I can read enough to answer this

b) I'm average

c) I'm smart enough to get your stupid jokes

d) I'm a freaking genius

e) I see dead people

f) I can bend things with my mind

g) I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!

h) "Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Question 9: How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:

a) I'm about average

b) I'm pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone

c) I'm very emotionally stable

d) I am a rock

e) I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out

f) The doctor says he can't increase my prescriptions anymore or he'd get in trouble

g) Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts

h) Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?

i) They mostly come at night. Mostly

j) "That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things."

Question 10: What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:

a) My beautiful eyes

b) My sharp wit

c) My compassionate nature

d) My incredible intelligence

e) My huge breasts

f) I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl

g) My sphincter can break a beer bottle

h) My charming autism

i) My colostomy bag

j) My willingness to use sex to get what I want

k) My perfect landing strip

Question 11: What would you expect me to bring on our date?:

a) Cheap flowers

b) Expensive champagne

c) Your A+ game

d)  I like shiny things

e) A unquenchable libido

f) Astroglide

g) A shoehorn

h)Amniotic dysentery

Question 12: What will I do when I see you?:

a) smile

b) drool

c) start jumping up and down yelling "UH, UH, UH"

d) feign epilepsy

e) vomit uncontrollably

f) run like a track star

Question 13: What will my friends say when they see you?:

a) "Wow, Alex is really lucky. I wish I was him."

b) "Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem--he's getting laid tonight."

c) "She's the hottest thing since nuclear fusion."

d) "Tonight's forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate love making."

e) "My Lord--she smells like the fish market."

f) "I wouldn't call her fat, but he's gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this."

g) "She's just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him."

h) "Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?"

i) "Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake."

Question 14: What should I wear?:

a) Something that says "derelict frat boy," like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat

b) Something that says "I'm a rich, arrogant executive", like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie

c) Something that says "I'm Euro-trash, but at least I look good," like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt

d) Something that says "I ain't got me no money," like a burlap sack

e) Something that says "I've been on Cops," like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater

f) Something that says "ethnic," like a dashiki and a fez

g) Something that says "I really don't care", like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt

h) Something that says "retro Miami Vice," like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit

i) Whatever you have that's clean

j) Surprise me

k) Nothing at all

Question 15: What will we do on our first date?:

a) Go to dinner and a movie

b) Argue, yell and possibly even fight

c) Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk

d) Fuck. What else would we do?

e) None of the above

f) Some strange combination of the above

Question 16: What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:

a) Italian

b) Chinese

c) American

d) Southwestern

e) Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)

f) Light post-coital snack

g) Who needs to eat if liquor is available?

Question 17: What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I'll be drinking):

a) champagne

b) beer

c) liquor

d) wine

e) wine in a box

f) whatever is cheapest

g) whatever we can steal from homeless people

h) whatever we can make in your bathtub

i) I prefer hard drugs, thank you

Question 18: How much does it take to get you drunk?:

a)The smell of alcohol

b) A few beers

c) A few glasses of wine

d) A six-pack

e) I can out drink an Irish Catholic

f) Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.

g) "Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

Question 19: What will we talk about on our date?:

a) Me

b) You

c) Sex

d) Sex in public places

e) The sexual foibles of ex's

f)  What that slut at the next table is wearing

h) How much everyone around us sucks

i) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory

j) The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex

k) Flannery O'Connor's use of symbolism

l) Herman Melville's use of metaphor

m) Ron Jeremy's use of irony

n) Lots of different things

Question 20: I should compliment you by saying:

a) "You have incredible eyes."

b) "That is the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

c) "You are a very cool person."

d) "You're ugly, but you intrigue me."

e) "You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock."

f) "That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes."

g) "Did you fart? You farted, didn't you?"

h) "I'd club a baby seal to get a second date with you."

i) "You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too."

Question 21: Finish this sentence: "I like a man that…

a) respects me."

b) worships me."

c) deifies me."

d) likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."

e) treats me like shit." (be honest…)

f) has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison."

g) is uglier than me."

h) is dumber than me."

i) won't make fun of my club foot."

Question 22: What will we do after the date?

a) Have Mountain Dew and dessert

b) Run out on the bill

c) Go dancing

d) Have a long and meaningful conversation

e) Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table

f) Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle

g) Point out each others shortcomings

h) Groping and pawing each other

i) Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!

Question 23: How will the date end?:

a) Unpleasantly

b) An awkward silence

c) A noncommital hug

d) A sweet, tender kiss

e) Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex

f) Us planning for another date

g) Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put your blog

h) Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my veranda

i) Me calling the cops to get you out of my house

j) One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces

Pencils down  ;)

Would you have completed this asinine application???

Why Do I Attract Stalkers?

DJ has quickly become another one of my stalkers.  One of the men who just lacks the ability to let go. For some reason, I seem to attract nut cases.  At first I worried that "like attracts like," "birds of a feather flock together," and the other sayings that would mean that I'm crazy as well, but I'm chocking it up to bad taste in men and a great time in bed (ha, I'm kidding!  The first nut case barely even got into my pants!).  Really, it's because I continue to engage these men after they've gone off the deep end.  I need to ignore them better.  Regardless, it makes for some funny stories.

Cry Baby
My first stalker was an old high school boyfriend, Cry Baby.  In the summer after 10th grade I went away for a month on a trip to Israel and Europe.  I came back with a new perspective on life, a desire to date Jewish boys and promptly dumped him.  Cry Baby's teenaged heart was crushed and (since it was back in the pre-cell phone days) he would incessantly call my parent's house in an effort to get me to back.  He told me he wanted to hurt me and made some terroristic threats on the country where I had just visited.  One day, Cry Baby called my parents house and my brother, who is 8 years older than me and at 5'8" was significantly larger than my pint-sized former paramour, picked up the phone.  Cry Baby was crying (hence the nickname)and begged my brother (through snot rockets and hiccups) to let him speak to me.  I picked up the phone at the same time I heard my brother boom, "Stop crying you f*cking pussy!  You think I'm going to let you speak to my sister after the pathetic crap you just spewed out?!  If you bother her again, I will kill you, do you understand?!"  Have I mentioned how awesome my brother is?

ESPN
I didn't deal with another stalker until years later.  ESPN was the man I dated immediately before I met my ex-husband, who, as you might guess, worked at ESPN.  I had broken up with him but he was determined to win me back.  He spent a month calling and texting me, emailing my friends to ask them to talk to me and even told me he would have proposed if he had had a ring.  It got so bad that a law school friend who used to work for the FBI, offered to get me a gun for protection.  Thankfully, I was living over an hour away and didn't feel the need for a firearm.   ESPN finally stopped harassing me when I got engaged to my ex-husband, a mere 3 and a half months after our breakup (I know, I know...)

Ex-Husband
My ex-husband was another one who just couldn't let go.  This likely had more to do with the fact that I sprung our divorce on him like it was a surprise trip to Disney World than anything.  That, and the fact that we were married and had vowed to spend our lives together, he presumably loved me very much.  But since actions speak louder than words, we'll go with the surprise factor for the reason he couldn't let go.  I won't divulge too much (you know, because I'm nice and/or because I've blocked out the entire messy divorce process from my memory) but he actually had the nerve to ask my parents (in the courthouse, immediately before our divorce hearing) if they could get me to reconsider my decision.  Dude, let it go.

Teacher
Teacher was someone I dated for a few weeks in October.  He was a single dad of 2 daughters and a high school English teacher. I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious, as I was just starting to date after my divorce.  I'm very into baking and arts and crafts and had given him some good ideas about things to do with his girls.  I told him that I was baking a cake in the shape of a turkey for Thanksgiving because my nephew loves it (I'm not going to lie, I do too, it's a freaking awesome cake mould!).  Then he tells me how excited he was that we would be spending Thanksgiving together--me, him and his kids.  Umm, WTF?!  I quickly ended things after I realized that he wanted an instant wife, step mom and mother (for himself) all in one.  He freaked out and sent me the most grammatically correct scathing emails that I was overwhelmingly impressed and scared at the same time.  I ended up filtering his emails, threatening a restraining order and commenting that a restraining order might affect both his teaching job and his custody situation.  He emailed me a few months after to apologize and ask to grab some coffee.  Umm, no.


BR
I wrote about BR here and here and a few other places that I'm too lazy to link to.  He begged for a second chance and I gave it to him even though I wasn't really feeling a connection.  Fast forward and I realized he was relationship stupid and I was attracted enough to him to fix it.  He didn't go off the deep end, per se, but he wrote me email novellas as to why we would be good together, how he could change, how my feelings weren't justified, etc.  He finally stopped when I ignored enough of these emails and deleted him off Facebook.  Just last month though, he sent me a Facebook message congratulating me on the Bar Exam and making a comment on how we should get back together.  No thanks.


DJ
I worried that DJ would also go off the deep end, as he seem unsatisfied with how I broke things off.  He seemed like a very even keeled man though so I sent him a final email explaining some things I hadn't previously mentioned and how they were non-negotiable for me.  I stated that this would be the last of the discussion and wished him luck.  Surprisingly, it was not the end of the discussion for him.

He told me that he respected my decisions but wanted to argue his way and change my mind.  Umm, WTF?!  That's no where near respecting my decision.  I continued to ignore his emails and text messages and hoped it would go away...until yesterday.  I was out with friends when I received a call from a florist.  My heart sank.  I knew that DJ had sent me flowers.  For a man who claims to have paid attention to me, he must have zoned out on the conversation in which I told him, "I do NOT like flowers.  They shed and die and smell.  I especially dislike roses.  I think they're an overpriced waste of money.  Please never get me flowers."  Of course, he got me flowers, lots of them, with roses.  The arrangement was topped with a pleading note and about a zillion "xoxo's" before his name.

"One drink is all I ask :) xoxoxo :insert name here:"

That wasn't the end of it though.  A few hours after the call from the florist, DJ called, asking about the flowers.  I sent the call to voicemail and I thanked him via text. I told him there was nothing to discuss and wished him luck.  He called again and was sent to voicemail.  Dude, get the message already!  

He then proceeded to berate me via text message and email about how I'm a terrible evil person and how he at least deserves an explanation as to why we can't live happily ever after together.  "I at least deserve to sit down with you for a drink," he texted.  My response, "The only thing you deserve at this point is a padded room and a restraining order.  Leave me alone!"

The Man Who Wore Sweatpants

I've been slacking on the blogging lately.  There was a point where I was going out every night of the week but let's face it, dating can be exhausting...plus, when you find someone you sort of like, it's frowned upon to keep seeing other people (more on that in another post).  So, I curbed the whole going-out-on-countless-random-dates-from-Plenty-of-Freaks thing as of late.  I did manage to squeeze a couple dates in a few weeks ago that I never mentioned because they were so underwhelming that I didn't think to write about them until now.    

Remember Date #2, the Billy Baldwin look-alike from the night that I went out with two men?  You can refresh your recollection here.  Well, he asked me out on a second date and we agreed to meet for drinks on a Thursday night last month.  I wore my go-to outfit of jeans, a cute top, open front cardigan and heels.  It's the perfect outfit.  Cute but casual and doesn't look like I'm trying too hard.  Plus, cleavage can be added for effect and covered up with the cardigan if you feel too exposed.  I figured Date #2 would be wearing the male version of this outfit, i.e. jeans, a button down shirt or polo and casual dress shoes.  Ehh, wrong.  

I texted Date #2 from the car to ask if he was already at the restaurant, as there's nothing more uncomfortable to me than walking into an unfamiliar restaurant trying to determine if your date is in the building.  He texted back that he was seated by the bar and already had a drink.  I strode up to find him halfway through a Jack and Ginger wearing a track suit and sneakers.  I'm sorry, what?  Yes, you read that right.  He was wearing sweats.  

Call me conformist, but I believe there's a certain "uniform" that is proscribed through dating.  Unless you're doing some activity that necessitates different clothing, including but not limited to hiking; biking; fishing; shooting; going to the beach or having crazy sex, I expect you to dress like a civilized human being.  If not because you want to impress your potential partner, than because you have more self respect than to be unpresentable in public.  My date was wearing track pants, a t-shirt, a non-matching zip up jacket and sneakers.  I'm thankful that at least he wasn't wearing a matching tracksuit, as that attire is only acceptable for guidos and old Jewish men in Boca, but he was wearing a tracksuit nevertheless.  

He looked a bit like this guy, but with cooler shoes
[via]

Date #2 hugged me and told me I looked cute (obviously, dude, I'm not wearing sweatpants).  I told him he looked, "Umm, comfy," and he sheepishly explained that he had come straight from the gym.  Awesome.  So not only did you not shower after your workout, but you didn't have the decency to change your clothes either.  Nice one.  I would understand if he worked far from home or his office, but no, the dude works in the same building where his gym is which is in walking distance to his house!  Seriously?!  Not to mention that he wasn't the least bit sweaty of smelly which makes me question his gym-ethic in addition to his sense of decency.

Not to be a bitch, but I came to the date straight from volunteering where I helped snot-dripping children decorate with markers and glitter and I still managed to wash up and change into a pair of heels in my car.  The fact that this guy went from his office to the gym, drove past his house to get to the restaurant and couldn't throw on a pair of jeans floored me.  It's not like he arrived late either.  He was early.  If you recall, he had already consumed half of a Jack and Ginger before I arrived.  At least I know where his priorities are.  

The date went as well as a date involving sweatpants could go if there's no prospect of an elastic waistband coming in handy for some easy access.  He was nice enough but there was just no chemistry...and he was wearing freaking sweatpants!